Despise ⇢ Dick Grayson

nineteen.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: It's been so long! Do we need a refresher?

- Will went in search of her missing sister, Madison. 

- She found out Madison had died six months previous. 

- Dick went and got her and brought her home to Titans Tower.

✵

I FIND MYSELF back where it all began.

Rachel is by my side and we're walking down a dimly lit side street, alone in the dark.

Vividly, I remember the night her mother was killed, the night we ran away from it all...The night we met Dick. It plays in my mind like a rerun of an old tv show, but this time it's painful to watch. It's painful to remember.

In the pocket of my jacket, I feel the weight of my remaining three pills. When Rachel pulls ahead of me a few steps, I slip one into my mouth and swallow it discretely. It'll take awhile to kick in; hopefully we're back at Titans Tower by then.

"Come on. Food's going to get cold," she calls to me and I lengthen my stride to catch up with her. She sneaks a few hot chips out of the brown paper bag she's holding and offers them to me. I shake my head and she frowns before eating them herself. "You're not hungry? It's been so good that Dick's been letting us eat whatever we want since you got back."

He's been achingly kind since he brought me back to Titans Tower four days ago. But it feel more like he's coddling me than anything. Treating me so nicely when it's not what I deserve.

"I missed you," Rachel says for the hundredth time.

I muster a smile. "Yeah. Missed you too."

"I just...I want you to know I was thinking about you. And that I wish I could've been there with you. I mean I know you probably didn't want me there but—" She cuts herself off, getting choked up. I see tears in her eyes.

"Rachel..." Comforting words are lost on me. What do I say to ease her pain when I can barely manage my own?

She stops in the middle of the sidewalk and turns to me. "Will, I'm so sorry."

"For what?"

"For everything!" She exclaims. "The whole reason you got into this mess was because you were trying to protect me. If you'd never met me...maybe you would have gone and looked for your sister earlier. Maybe you would have found her." She pauses, tears streaming down her cheeks. "Maybe you would've saved her." She wipes her face with the sleeve of her black cloak. "But you were too busy always saving me."

My chest aches. There is nothing worse than this horrible feeling of loss. All I can do is hope the pill kicks in soon and numbs some of it.

I shake my head. "You gave me an out, when you sent me away at the motel. I could've gone and looked for my sister then, but I didn't. That was my choice." I let out a long sigh, struggling to find the energy to comfort her. "Look, none of it's on you, Rach. Alright? It's on me. Now, let's go before the food gets cold." I stride ahead, hearing her reluctantly follow after me. I wish I could do so many things differently - wish I could save my sister and be better to Rachel and have more with Dick. All these what ifs suffocate me. But as the pill kicks in and everything mellows out, my surroundings dimming in intensity, all the pain suddenly matters considerably less.

✵

The TV is blurry. Shapes and colours blend together. I am tripping hard.

Still, I manage to get the gist of what's happening; a police pursuit after a highly trained girl with silver hair and a bandage covering one eye. Jason, Gar, Rachel and Dick all watch the news story unfolding on the television with rapt attention.