Despise ⇢ Dick Grayson

twenty.

MY EARS ARE still ringing from the thumping music that played the entire night in the various clubs Jason and I went to. We stumble out of the elevator, hanging on to one another to stay upright. It's early in the morning, the sun barely up, so I mostly expect everyone to still be sleeping.

But the penthouse is brimming with company.

Donna, Dawn and Hank - bags on their shoulders and grim expressions set in place - face Dick, Gar and Rachel.

Jason and I come to a stop. I clear my throat and adjust the top of my dress as all eyes land on us.

Well, this is uncomfortable.

"Where were you?" Rachel asks, eyes round with worry.

"We were just...out." Guilt hits me like a tonne of bricks. Beside me, Jason starts to laugh. He's still wasted. I elbow him in the ribs.

"It's good to see you, Will," Dawn says in that sweet, floaty voice of hers. I nod, unable to muster a smile.

"I'll meet you guys in the control room," Dick tells his old friends and they head off down the hallway. I avoid his eyes, feeling his disapproving glare burn my skin.

"I called you," Rachel says. "Like four times."

"Sorry, my phone died." It's a lie; I turned my phone off right before Jason and I left. I needed to forget everything for a night and it worked. We had a good time. But now morning has come and the world is crashing back down on us. It feels utterly terrible.

Jason sways on his feet. "I'm gonna throw up," he mutters right before he runs down the corridor toward the bathroom.

Gar leads Rachel away, her body melting into his side. I obviously missed something going on between them. Before everything, I would've been the first one to know. But I guess Rachel and I's friendship has deteriorated to the point where I'm no longer the first person she wants to speak to, nor the source of her comfort.

Dick comes closer to me, taking in my heels, smudged makeup and alcohol-stained dress. His eyes linger on my neck. Disappointment creases every inch of his face. "I know you're going through hell right now. Trust me, I've been there. But right now we're facing some serious threats and we need to be united as a team." He stops in front of me. "So get your shit together."

With that, he turns and walks in the direction his old Titans teammates went.

Feeling terrible, I drag myself into my bathroom and have a long shower, washing off the stench of cigarette smoke and the stickiness of spilled drinks. Condensation fogs the mirror. I wipe my palm over it, clearing it, and I stare at my reflection. My pupils are still blown from the pills I took earlier, my knuckles are split like I hit someone and there's a small hickey right above my collarbone that I'm positive Dick was staring at. I cringe, trying to remember if I hooked up with someone. Did I hook up with Jason? Surely not. It's all so hazy.

Dick's disappointed face replays in my mind. I don't want to be this person. I hate who I'm becoming, so selfish and single-minded when before I was devoted to others. First my sister and then Rachel.

I remind myself that I did not love Maddy in isolation; she loved me back. She would whisper to me in the dark when we were sleeping at a new foster placement and tell me that I was her favourite person, the best big sister in the world.

That sweet girl wouldn't have wanted me to be like this.

Wrapped in a towel, I move from my ensuite into my bedroom and rummage through my purse for my small bag of pills. I carry them back to the bathroom.

My stomach twists; I want to take one so badly that it actually makes me sweat, makes me sick. But I empty out the bag into the toilet and flush it.

Maybe Dick is right. I need to channel my grief into something else.