Bloody Knives in My Leftovers

Interlude: When Time Stills

Have you ever had a dream that you were falling ten stories, when suddenly your heart starts racing and you jump awake so quickly it's disorientating?

Or have you ever spaced out while someone was talking and everything around you suddenly seems unreal and plastic?

When you open your eyes again, blinking rapidly and stumbling for breath you realize something very important. A fact that you cannot deny nor forget, because your meaning of life depends on it. You clutch onto this revelation, gripping at your t-shirt and staring into the inky darkness of your room.

Suddenly the world feels so small, your heart pounding in your ears. You realize you've taken everything for granted. Your mother is in the next room, asleep in her bed. Your little sister is beside you in bed, thumb in her mouth, a nasty habit. She had a bad dream that night and insisted you sleep next to her, how could you ever say no to her?

You see that everything you thought was important is meaningless now, everything but your sister, curled into your side. Everything but your mother, who shifts in her sleep.

You could have died, you think. What a silly thought, everyone over the age of three knew you couldn't really die in your dream, and if you did then you would still live to see morning. It's all in your head. Everyone knew that.

Yet you sit still in your bed, eyes dilating to accommodate the darkness. Shifting into focus, your dresser, a bookshelf.. Dumb teenage posters of boybands and movies.

You inhale, then settle back down onto your back, staring at your white ceiling and exhaling. Your sister clutches onto your arm, and your heart slows. Everything is fine.

Childhood is something that is almost always taken for granted. Adults tell you that you should stop and smell the roses, don't try and grow up too fast. As a kid you roll your eyes, stomp your feet. You wanted to mow the lawn and pay for your own food. So why didn't they let you? Adults got ice-cream for dinner and late nights up...and you were just a stupid kid.

The truth is that the grown-ups are right when they tell you to enjoy your youth and childhood. Because the reality is...you'll never get it back again. Even when you grow up and can buy your own action figures and ice cream, you'll never be a kid again. A young blissful kid getting pushed on swings and coloring for homework.

Don't get it wrong, your teenage years will suck and you'll wish you could just grow up and move past it all, but it really doesn't work that way. There's a line from a Disney spin-off show 'Wanda Vision' that really puts it into perspective.

"Don't age yourselves up. The urge to run from this feeling is powerful. I know......I am trying to tell you that there are rules in life, okay? We can't rush aging just because it's convenient. And we can't reverse death. No matter how sad it makes us. Okay? Some things are forever."

Death is permanent, isn't it? It really depends on who you ask, there are too many possible outcomes for anything to be truly right, and it's best not to linger in the question too much. Unless you're craving an existential crisis about religion and the universe.

For those that believe that there is no returning from death, it can seem endless and bleak. Again, depending on who you ask.

Some welcome the emptiness of death with open arms, some fear the day it will take them without a warning.

Do you feel fulfilled in this moment? Do you wish for the escape? Do you try your best to avoid the outcome?

Imagine this: A cliff overlooking a large valley, sprinkled in bright purple flowers. Wild and startling, beautiful and brave. Maybe this is an outlook of humanity, maybe...it's a window to you.

Take a deep breath. Relax your shoulders. Think in vivid color.

Your heart blooms red roses, your lungs catch daisies, your eyes fill with dandelions, your feet are wrapped in posies, your arms covered in petunias, your nose stuffed with carnations...and your mind blanketed in soft lavender.

You are living a human life, a short yet vast existence. You are wonderful and bright, your smile is soft and so very just. Can you see what we all see?

Not perfection, no one must hold themselves that high. You are flawed and splintered, yet so magnificent.

Your stories deserved to be heard, your thoughts shared. You are the loveliest so far, the subject of affection and deserving of praise. Your mere existence makes hearts swoon and lips fold into smiles. You are the most. The most anyone could ever need and want.

I knew this. I knew this and that's what made my chest tighten and eyes sting.

"(Y/N)!!"