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"Only when you're ready, Jere."
The words echo in my head for the next week. I want to go back to that moment on the couch with Rosie and stay there forever. I can't become like my brother. I refuse to be like Conrad who is so wrapped up in himself that he never sees all the damage he has caused. I know that I am heading that way if I don't get a grip on myself but the mountain is big and hard to climb alone.
My heart is aching today for my mother Susanne. I wish she was here with me right now as I sit on the beach, staring out at the ocean. The sky is turning a beautiful shade of pink and orange as dusk begins to settle on Cousins Beach.
Couples stroll along, hand in hand, giggling at each other. Kids yell back and forth as they try to squeeze in the last few minutes of playtime as their parents try to wrestle them away. My journal is in my hands and several pages of it have been used to describe what is happening between Rosie and me. I keep rereading it, trying to comprehend what's happening. It doesn't seem real... but it is real, so why can't I accept it?
Rosie clearly has feelings for me. I keep seeing the little things she does for me. They are subtle like keeping the coffee fresh for me in the mornings because Miranda and Steve drink it all before I'm even awake. This morning, she wasn't there and there wasn't any coffee for me. Rosie went into the city this morning and still hasn't returned. It's just Steve and Miranda hanging out with me today. They're currently swimming in the ocean on pool noodles. They are laughing and splashing each other, completely and utterly in love.
I find myself fuming with jealousy. I want that to be Belly and me. I have to keep reminding myself to let her go, to let the idea of us go. It's not healthy keeping these imaginary scenarios alive inside of my head. I know it's not helpful to keep imaging what our future kids would look like. This only hurts me. I'm still stuck in the past of it all. I desperately wish that things were different. I want to be the one in Spain with her and I want to be the one that Belly loves.
I write this into the journal. I feel like a fool and an idiot. Why can't I move on? It should be easy. Why can't this be easy? Why do I keep making it so hard for myself? I'm only making it worse. Maybe it's this house and maybe it's this beach. I feel like I'm constantly treading water. I can't stand it anymore. I want to rip it out of my chest and bury it. But what exactly am I trying to bury? Is it the grief of losing my mother? Is it the grief of losing Belly?
I simply can't tell one from the other anymore. My heart aches for both of them. I wish they were here with me right now.
"Are you okay Jere?" Miranda's voice breaks my moody thoughts. I nod but don't say anything.
"Are you sure?" Steve asks before pointing out, "Because you are crying..."
I reach up and touch my cheeks. They're wet. I quickly wipe them away and sniffle. I was so lost in thoughts of Belly that I didn't even realize that I was crying. How pathetic. Miranda sits down next to me and wraps her arm around my shoulder.
"It's okay to cry," She assures me. She sounds like my therapist. I nod again, my voice is lost and I can't find the words to speak right now. Steven plants himself on the other side.
"I miss Susanne too." He says softly, his voice is tender as he reminisces. "I miss her cooking so much. She always made the best food."
The tears start falling again. I try to hold it in but it's all too much. A sob comes out from my chest and my body shakes between my two friends. Steve grips my arm and they hold me together. I don't remember the last time I cried like this. It's been forever. I let them comfort me and we stay on the beach until the sun is fully set. It's twilight and the moon, and the stars cast light upon us. I still can't find the words to thank Steve and Miranda.
They insist we go inside and order pizza for a late supper. Steve helps me up. My legs feel weak but my best friend doesn't let me go. Miranda leads the way back to the beach house, talking about nothing as she tries to lighten the mood. She's talking about a funny story when she found out she was deathly allergic to seafood and almost died as a child because her grandmother didn't believe in allergies.
Steve is chuckling and looking at Miranda like she's precious as gold. Once we're back in the beach house, Steve sits me down at the kitchen table and goes to the landline to order from Cousin's Pizzeria. He already knows exactly what to get. Miranda brings me a huge glass of icy cold water.
"Drink up," She instructs as she sits across from me. I do as I'm told. I feel the icy water as it goes down my throat into my esophagus and finds it home in my empty belly. I don't stop until the glass is empty and set it back down.
"Feel better?" She asks. I shrug.
"I don't know..." I murmur. My voice is soft. I don't feel like talking to anyone but I know Miranda is concerned for me. I don't want to dismiss her. I remember all those times Conrad dismissed me and I fight the urge to run away from my problems.
"Steve told me what Belly did to you." She admits quietly. Her eyes look sympathetically at me. "I don't think she had the right to do that. She shouldn't have led you..."
"Well, it doesn't matter now," I grumble and glare at the floor. "She's with my brother in Spain."
"She didn't invite him to Spain," Miranda informs me. "Belly tried to make him come back to the States but he didn't. So he's been staying in hostels around Spain and Europe."
My eyebrows furrow together and I mutter, "I don't understand."
Steve walks back into the room and says, "Belly doesn't want a relationship with Conrad right now. She wants to be single."
I look up at him with confusion. He sighs.
"Look, I'm not saying you have another chance." He begins and leans against the kitchen counter. "I love you as much as I love my sister. You and Conrad are the brother I never had. But you have to face the truth, Jere. You have to face the truth that Belly and Conrad are eventually going to get back together and that they will get married. We both know this. There's no way to stop fate from happening."
I want to plug my ears and ignore everything Steve is saying to me right now. I resist the urge and instead pout like a child, and cross my arms over my chest.
Steven continues, "You are still important to her, Jere... and you are still important to Conrad."
Steve glances at Miranda. They share a look. I want to yell at them for keeping secrets. Steve opens the junk door and pulls out a handful of postcards. He hands them to me. They're all from my brother and each place he has visited so far while in Europe. Most are from cities in Spain but there are a couple from France and Portugal. They don't say much. Conrad has never been a man of words.
Most of them just say, "Thinking of you." and, "Missing you, little bro."
The last postcard sent is of the Eiffel Tower in Paris. He writes, "I wish you and mom were here to see this city. It's beautiful. You both would love the baguettes and fresh cheese. Love, C."
The waterworks start again and I'm absolutely sobbing from the rush of emotions brought on by the gesture of postcards sent from my brother. I bring my hands up to hide the pain in my face. I realize my worst fear has come true... I'm the Conrad of the family now. I'm the dickhead who has been running away from his feelings. I'm the idiot who has been causing damage to our little family.
I feel Steve's hand on my shoulder and he squeezes it in reassurance. "Jere, I think you should give him a call if you're ready."
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I'm living for this cute little moment between Steve and Jere :)
