Questioning My Masculinity (A Moriarty Gender Bender) [Sherlock Fanfic]

Can't Control

Hours later Jim Moriarty found himself staring up at the ceiling, resting in the arms of his former work companion turned lover in the span of a night. He was feeling so many emotions at once: happiness, horror, lust, fear, calm, panic...it made no sense to him and yet it did. It was like he had been through into a completely new universe, into a new life that he should've remembered living but only had vague snips of. Which was why the idea of sex had thrown him into a complete and utter panic attack until Seb had managed to take lead.

Now with the sniper fast asleep beside him Jim could only wonder what he had done wrong. What had caused him to get so deep in what he could've only assumed was a hallucination...or was it? The idea had popped into his head an hour before and plagued him, taking up every part of his mind so he couldn't escape. What if his womanhood wasn't the lie, what if his other life was? What if Jamie was real and Jim had been some dream his mind had come up with, some fantasy he had been forced to live through only to come back to the real world and not understand the difference between the dream and reality?

His heart couldn't stop racing. He felt sweat begin to form on his hands and he turned over so he could no longer see Sebastian, still feeling his arms wrapped around his waist. Or wait...her waist. Which one was it? He honestly wasn't sure and absolutely didn't want to find out. He was too afraid of what the answer was going to be.

I can't deal with this. My mind...I can't control it anymore. His mind was his palace; his fortress where he was protected from the ordinary and the mundane. The woman he was now shattered that kingdom and completely tore it to the ground, leaving Jim - leaving Jamie - standing in the wake of the catastrophe. Images of his other life were passing by his eyes, but every time they did they started to get blurrier and blurrier. He was forgetting about the other timeline. He was forgetting about Jim Moriarty. He was becoming Jamie.

Slipping carefully out of Sebastian's arms Moriarty let his feet fall onto the ground softly, standing up and sneakily making his way to the bedroom door. As he stepped out into the hallway he paused and turned back to the sniper, smiling softly once before shutting the door behind him and making his way back out into the main living space. Nothing looked different from his apartment in the other timeline, and at the same time he knew it was different. It was cleaner, things weren't put back in exactly the same way. There was another person living there.

What's happened to me? Jim could feel his hands shaking wildly. Why can't I think, why can't I do anything to stop this? He'd never felt so vulnerable in all his life. It was like every layer of his being was pulled away and revealed to be a huge lie created by himself to hide his true identity. Could he have really tricked himself in such a way, all in one night? His head was starting to pound and he found himself wondering...why was he worrying about it so much?

I won't give into this! I won't forget! His manhood was beginning to slip. His past was beginning to change. He was already holding himself differently, taking into account his womanly parts. Suddenly he found the most mundane and random thoughts popping into his head: an outfit for the next morning, how she'd do her hair, more - More? I want more! One time having sex isn't enough?Jamie was hyperventilating now. She wasn't sure what she was going to do, she couldn't just give in now could she? Oh my...

An idea popped into her head; she had to stop her brain from working completely. If she wasn't going to be able to control what her brain was thinking then she would stop it from working all together. Frantically she ran into the kitchen and started peeling through her drawers, looking for the stash she always kept in case she got bored. Her hands raked through the drawers, not in the least bit concerned for the cuts and scrapes she was receiving from sharp silverware. Finally her hands landed on a familiar case and she pulled it out, almost crying with relief when she opened it to find the syringe and four small vials with the milky liquid inside; the thing that was going to save her.

Without hesitance she began to fix up the syringe, sticking the needle into the vial and pulling on the plunger, watching the drugs move from one container to another. Her heart was already beginning to slow in it's race as she slowly pulling the full syringe from the vial and tossed the empty container away, listening to it shatter against a cabinet as she positioned the needle over the prominent vein in her arm. Not bothering to even do a proper count she slid the needle into her arm, crying out with joy as she pushed the plunger down and felt the drug enter her system.

It's effects were immediate. She started to feel her thoughts cloud to together, slowly at first but quickly picking up pace. Pulling the needle out and tossing it away she watched blood start to leak out of her arm with a dazed smile. Jamie didn't care. She was just happy to be free of the pain of the delusion. Of course she hadn't really been a man, that was ridiculous. She laughed at her own stupidity. It was all just a dream, and she had been panicking over it. She slowly sank down onto the floor, resting her head on the cool tile as the drugs continued to sweep through her system at what should have been an alarming rate. She was free now, and that was all that mattered.

Footsteps raced into the room and she heard her name called out by a muffled voice. Turning her head she caught Sebastian's eyes as he collapsed onto the floor beside her mumbling something. She thought he asked if she was all right. Well of course I am Seb. I'm perfectly fine now. The delusion is gone. He kept shaking her and telling her to stay awake, but she felt so tired...she just wanted to sleep now. Now that she knew the man she had thought she had been was gone. Jim Moriarty...the name sounded funny. Jim, Jim, Jim. Jamie's eyes fell closed and she felt everything begin to slow down as she slipped into darkness.

Jim...Jim...Jim...