Change at Jamaica Station

Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven         

 Loose Ends for Caroline and Jared               2018 Babylon, NY

I had given the landlord in Babylon a security deposit and two months' rent in cash. As it was Jared's birthday, I was allowed to take my son out of Sunrise Rehabilitation Center for a quiet lunch, where I asked him few questions about his therapy, and he avoided answering by staring at the menu and mentioning all the food he missed. After we ate Ruben sandwiches at the small diner on Sunrise Highway, we got in my newly repaired convertible and as I drove Jared over to the new apartment, he thanked me for the sandwich and his birthday present, wireless headphones. He said nothing else, so we sat at red lights while listening to Jared's playlist. Over the years I had always insisted that we listen together while driving in the car, not allowing him to use his headphones. I thought it might bring us closer. Springsteen croons;

'we drove down to the river, and into the river we'd dive, down to the river at night. Is a a lie if it don't come true, or is it something worse?'

"It has no furniture in it yet," I say. He nods his blond regulation crew cut. He doesn't look like himself with the crew cut, and he's not very communicative anymore, but he does seem more relaxed when out of rehab. Once we get to the small apartment, off Old Country Road, I watch him and think that he seems to like it. It's semi-detached housing unit that was well landscaped and had a manmade pond in the back. The area had nothing old or country about it now. Once bucolic, now full of shopping centers and big box stores, the developers went nuts. Modern new apartment buildings, gated communities with common club houses, pools and tennis courts, had replaced quiet Long Island forests. There were three golf courses to choose from. Neither Jared nor I had ever played golf.

Jared stands very still at the window, sunlight pouring onto his old puma sneakers and faded jeans. I really want to buy him new clothes, but he had lost a lot of weight and I thought it might be a touchy subject. I had purchased myself several professional outfits and was wearing them to interviews for receptionist jobs. Today, I'm in a beige knee length skirt, white blouse buttoned to the neck and a practical pair of low beige heels.

"I've got a better receptionist job at an office complex nearby." I tell him, hoping that he can see light at the end on the tunnel that I am trying so hard to provide for him.

"That's good." He answers in a slightly upbeat tone, which I sense might be for my benefit alone.

"I can visit you every day." I tell him. I didn't want to put to many scenarios for the future out there in case he felt pressured. He might want to live on his own once he got out. We hadn't discussed it, as he was just starting to recover well.

"What's with your clothes?" he asks, and I'm relieved he wants to talk at all.

"I've decided we both need to take better care of ourselves, look better and act better. We both need to make better choices. I promise we will be OK, and I will always be here for you. I wear nicer clothes now, professional looking things in black, white and gray mostly, in case you want to buy your Mom a Christmas gift," I say with a smile in my voice.

"OK. Why the sudden change?" Jared asks.

"My friends Gerriann and Tabetha are helping me, helping us. We've got to move forward, Jared. They helped me to land the new job." I tell him, like everyone else, half-truths, mostly to convince him that I am stronger than I am, and partly to convince myself that I have help and am confident in my plan.

"What should I get you for Christmas?" I ask cautiously. I figured open ended questions are best. Let him lead. I was dressing like Gerri and breathing like Tabby and just seeing those two strong women gave me something to look forward to. That, and the fact that I had a duffle bag of cash, that I could keep up with them, and hopefully, learn how to change our luck.

"I would like to come home for Christmas." Jared says not taking his eyes off the tree outside the window. "Can you get me that?" My heart beats a little faster. I can see my little boy, hear him inside the young man in front of me.

"I'm glad you said that. I will try. Maybe you can start an outpatient program. I've given the landlord in Valley Stream a move out dates a month in advance. We won't be taking any of the old furniture, but I still have quite a few boxes of things." I tell him, my heart picking up a beat.

"I could help." He says. I had debated with myself asking John for help, or at the very least, to borrow his truck so I wouldn't have to make as many trips out to Babylon, an hour away, but I wasn't sure how that would all go off.

"I might ask John if I could borrow his truck, so I would only have to make one trip," I say.

"Don't do that. We can do it ourselves. We don't need him," Jared responds quickly. I let a long slow breath out, noting this is the longest conversation that Jared has openly wanted to participate in for years.

"Why didn't you come to visit me last week?" Jared asks.

"I told you I had car issues."

"You're always having car issues." He responds.

"Well this time, someone stole the battery out of my car, so I had to have John come over after work and put a new one in." I answer. What I didn't tell him, was that it was the third time that month that someone had taken the battery out overnight. John wanted me to put a padlock on the hood of my car. I felt I was being watched. John told me it was kids who would be able to sell the car battery for quick money. It seemed every time I moved the car, I was signaling to someone that I had bought a new battery. Still, John told me not to make a police report, as it was probably minors, and I thought of my own son. For the time being, I left it alone. He might be right.

"Listen, Mom. You can go to any garage and buy a battery. I can google how to put it in and do it for you, if you really want to save money. Or just go to another garage." Jared says firmly.

"We know John so well. What's wrong with that?" Perhaps he needs to tell me about what happened when he worked with John, but I don't want to push him until he is ready to talk on his own terms. That is the advice I got from the therapist at rehab.

"Just don't Mom. Please. I think I want to go now." Jared suddenly seems agitated and heads to the bathroom. When he comes out, he goes immediately to the front door of the apartment and checks the lock, then holds the door open for his mother.

"Time to go, Mom." Is all he says. On the car ride back to the Center, he stares out the window while Bruce Sprinsteen sings the same song, 'The River.'

I start to wonder, is it something worse?

.