The many writings of Skip that make no sense

Random short story #7

I've Never Felt More Alone

I think I finally understand why my mother is so angry all of the time. Being a babysitter or nanny has to be the most stressful job ever.
I've been used as a free babysitter since I was 8 years old, well at least that's as far back as I can remember. I've recently been tasked with a new child, but I have to watch him alone without my mother to aid or guide me.
Every day I have a nervous breakdown.
Every night I scream into my pillow and hope I don't wake up.
But nobody sees it
Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve this torture. It hurts my soul when I see a child crying. This particular child that I've been tasked with taking care of has problems with sleeping, eating, and being alone. It's the worst child I've ever had to pay attention to for 8-10 hours at a time. I don't get paid of course as I'm not 18 yet. If I did get paid it'd probably only be 10$ a month anyway.
You'd think I'd be used to being used by now, but I'm really not. I figure this will be the last child I ever watch as I've been contemplating suicide a lot as of recent. What a waste of life, I always think to myself when suicide sounds appealing. I've already told my family that I want to be burned not buried, it's a lot cheaper.
Contemplating what way you're going to kill yourself is a really weird debate to have with yourself. Right now my parents gun that's not kept to locked up would work fine, or maybe I could cut so deep into my skin I reach the bone and bleed out, or make it easier and slit my throat. I could hang myself of course but I'm not the best person when it comes to tying knots. I could overdose but the strongest thing I have is ibuprofen and that's not a guarantee. I have bleach in the closet, but I don't know how fast that would work. I'm sure I could find drain-o in the storage building outside, but that means I have to actually get to the storage building without being caught.
See what I mean, it's odd to have to think about.
I also have to think about the people that are least pretend to care. And my partner too. My friends and I have been very distant, I haven't barely spoken to them in weeks. It's fine though, I doubt most of them would miss me anyway, none of us are very close. I have a best friend that would miss me for sure, but she's a lot younger than me so she's got plenty of time to find another friend. Besides does she really want a best friend who wants to be out of this world? And the hardest one to wrap my head around, my partner. They're an enigmatic being that's for sure. It's hard to tell whether they actually love me or not, especially right now. It might be my brain playing tricks on me but it often feels like they're looking to avoid me at any chance they get. I can't say I don't blame them, I'd wanna avoid me too. I don't even know why were dating if I'm being honest, they've got a lot more future than I do, and if they found out how useless and sad I really was they'd ditch me anyway I'm sure. So I guess it's not that hard to figure out. I know they'd miss me for a year or so, but they'd for sure find someone much better than me, better build, better influence, better personality.
What about my parents? They both dislike me. My mother was practically handed me when I was born because she couldn't have kids herself. I never really met my real parents and I never really wanted to. My dad says he loves me and tries to do what he can to keep my mother from getting angry at me, but I know he only does it because my sister ran away at my age. He wants to protect me so he doesn't have to deal with another kid running off, which I have tried multiple times. Oh right, my sister. Yeah I don't think she'd miss me much. She's not my actual sister and I don't know if she would know how to react. She might be sad for a while, but she'd be fine.
I think that sums up about everyone.
My family wouldn't care, they don't care about me now, they won't care when I'm gone, if you were curious.
You'd probably think I'm a drug addict... Or someone who's got a long history of trouble making the way I describe peoples feelings towards me, huh?
You'd be wrong.
The few things I have done wrong are seen as small for other people my age. I hand people my entire soul, my beating heart, my time, and my patience... And they throw all of it into a volcano.
I don't want to act like a victim here, I'm sure I deserve this for some reason. But if I could just shut that volcano off by jumping into it, I think everyone around me would be happier.
Suicide would be very selfish though, don't get me wrong. People would need to find someone else to be their mom. Someone else to be strong and hold all of their problems, interests, worries, struggles. I'd feel terrible down in hell for leaving everyone.
I think It be a good idea though anyway.
I feel like I've gone crazy.
And maybe I have.

But I've never felt more alone in my entire existence than I do today.

-Ghost