The many writings of Skip that make no sense

Random short story #12

If I could take off my skin tonight I would. It's unclean, it's large, and it never satisfies me. If I wasn't so adverse to pain I'd cut the skin that keeps me tame in half, as if carving it off. Each night I think to myself, and I try to convince myself this torment won't last forever. Nothing in the world can fix the mess that I am reminded of in every photo and reflection. Each time I see myself at first I think "That's not me, and I could never look like that," but it's true that each summer I'm larger than the last and my skin expands even more than my stomach does. Oh how sweet it would be to see myself and not see someone who is inherently ugly, but what makes it worse are the people who are dishonest about that ugliness in me. Those people deny that I am ugly every chance they get with words like "Beautiful," "Pretty," and sometimes even "Gorgeous." Each time someone says that it feels like a knife slicing my mind in half because as a compliment I should accept it, but there's no way they see this obese ogre I am as any of those words, and the only reason they say that is so I don't drive myself into insanity or die; because, heaven forbid we tell the truth about someone's body. Mine is horrid, it's gross, and it looks like skin on top of just more and more skin. There is nothing beautiful about a body that's battled bulimia and lost. There is nothing beautiful about a body that has battled anorexia and lost; unless, that body is dead. There is a reason every single person goes through at the very least a phase where they want to lose or want to gain weight. There is no true happy medium; unless, you look online. Now I exist only to be online there is no purpose in trying to be average when all anyone wants is beautiful. If I don't have to be "beautiful" according to body positivity why the hell can't you just admit that you see that I am ugly? why can't the world admit that some people are just ugly? You need the ugly to see the pretty in others. Just like you need the dark to see the light, or the bad parts of life to see the good ones. It would not bother me as much as it does, if everyone would just admit that they see what I see; because eventually you learn to see it in their eyes when they are lying through their teeth. There's a reason I keep my hair dyed and I put on a pound of makeup. It's so people notice something else besides my fat when they first look at me. Maybe just maybe they might look at me and think I am truly beautiful for a moment before it is ruined by my unflattering fat body. There is no hourglass, nor is there a pear shape to justify this fat body. There is no fat ass, there is no big tits, it is just a box of a fat body. It is misshapen, and it is the true definition of ugly when you put it through the lens of looks alone.

This time it's not how I was raised, and it isn't social media's fault. Sometimes inside and outside, some people are just ugly.