Overwhelmed by Royal & the Serpent
(This is probably all wrong)
TW: Panic attack
I sat in the living room very awkwardly just staring at the ground. The sound of my parents, my aunts and uncles, my cousins, and any other family that were talking in the kitchen because very loud very suddenly. I wasn't able to relax on the couch even though I was the only one in the room. My grandpa walked into the room as well and fell into the chair, he looked around to act like he was just looking but I knew he what he was doing. The old man turned on the TV and flipped to the news. He turned the volume up a little so he can hear it. All the noise was bugging me, everything was so loud. The TV, the people, the sound of food cooking in the kitchen. The voices on the television seemed worse than the actual people, my ears felt like they needed to pop. I felt my hands start to shake. I sat in silence. I wasn't sure what I was feeling. The room got really bright, I had to squint my eyes so they didn't hurt. Why was it so hot in here? The thermostat was already turned down so much from the body heat and the cooking. I knew I wasn't in the right mind. My aunt Laura passed by, her wine was half empty already.
"Oh Hanna sweety do you shop at the farmers market?" She laughed as she walked away. I had no room to judge her back, her clothes were rich. My brother walked over worriedly, I could tell he was nervous about something.
"Are you okay? Do you need to go somewhere quieter? My room is the furthest away." He asked. I shrugged and looked around like nothing was going on. I didn't want him to worry too much, that was just gonna cause problems.
"I should be fine." I lied. I knew it was a lie but I wasn't entirely sure how yet. Time seemed to speed up. My brother took me by the hand, not convinced that I was okay, we went up to his room. I sat on his bed as he dug in his closet. It felt hard to breath but at least the noise was quieter. I don't know what's happening anymore, It felt like I was someone else. He took out a blanket I knew what It was, he uses it to calm himself when hes feeling anxious. Maybe this was what I was feeling. The feeling got worse. I wrapped myself in the heavy blanket, it felt nice.
"better?" He asked. I could only nod. I felt that if I spoke something bad would happen, something felt heavy in my stomach. "I noticed you were getting a bit overwhelmed."
It happened again at school. The lights seemed too bright, the noises too loud, time seemed to slow down though. I felt on edge. Something was gonna happen. I felt like running. I looked around the classroom, the windows were locked but there were two doors I could escape through. Even though our class was not that big I still felt tense, I've been with them the entire school year. I felt like crying during a group project but I kept a cheerier persona. Maybe I was being too sensitive about absolutely nothing. My eyes darted around the room waiting for something to happen. I wasn't even listening to the teacher.
"Hannah you need to act less like a panicked deer and more like a sassy leopard." My friend told me over lunch. I had no room to judge her she was the most confident person I know. I didn't feel like myself anymore, I felt less and less like myself every day.
"Are you okay?" My brother asked.
"Oh I should be fine after lunch, I'm just hungry." I lied with a smile.
"But you're not, you haven't even touched you're food." He pointed at the full plate. I felt like people were staring now, like they could see my panic. It was getting harder to breath. Everything was too much, but why? I didn't know why I was so anxious over nothing again, I'm at school every day. "Come on, we'll eat somewhere quieter." I didn't say anything as I followed my brother. What is coming over me?
My brother and mother argued in the kitchen, I listened from the living room.
"She doesn't have anxiety she is too calm, and besides no one else in the family had anxiety so how could she?" My mother denied by brothers concerns.
"Did you not see her at the family gathering? She was frozen like a deer in headlights. She can even tell you, the noises get too loud and the lights get too bright just randomly. She feel on edge all the time." My brother argued. I wanted to side with him but I was afraid of what my mother would think. I should be fine, i'll learn to live with it. Even when my brother isn't there.
"Hannah what are you thinking? Are you fine?" My mother asked. I looked up at her then to my brother. I was afraid of it becoming too bad.
"I'm not fine. I'm scared. I can't relax. I can't breath. I can't..." It felt nice to admit aloud but it felt too much again when my mother rambled to herself on what could be done. Why am I just now showing signs of anxiety? When I was younger it was fine. I could do things without wanting to cry after a while. I could breath normally in a crowd of people. Noises calmed me at one point. The warm lights and the sun was actually nice. Why now? Am I really the same me? Why is it difficult to talk to people? To respond to simple things? This can't be the same me? Will I find someone who will understand enough to help? Can I be me again? It's getting hard to breath again.
