Pain Killer

12 ~ Bowties are Cool

I called Uri. I was by myself for so long on the living room floor, I could feel the shadows speaking. In their low murmurs, with their mean comments about me, I can hear them ever so lightly. I can see their cruel smiles and taunting laughs pointing at me. Martha hadn't come home yet so it was just me left alone to my thoughts. And temptations. I resisted the thought of the scissors in the bathroom, remembering Uri's demand.

The phone sits facing up on the carpet as the screen is the only illumination in the otherwise dark room. It's quiet though.

Uri is waiting for me to say something. The closer we become the less he talks, I've noticed. He must've figured out how to get me to talk more, I suppose.

I can't think of anything to say. I let my silence eat up his patience. Just a few more bites and he takes a breath in.

"Delilah?" Uri asks almost cautiously. His voice is just a low hum. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Does it matter if I say no? You usually ask without permission anyway." I smile a little.

"It's a... different question. More like advice."

"Okay?" My toes curl, trying to fend off the chill of the room. I rub my arms up and down.

"So, I met this girl."

"Are you asking for woman advice?" I almost laugh. "Is the Uri asking for help about a girl?"

"Okay, you know what? Shut up. Just listen." He coughs. I laugh for real this time. "She's-she's awesome and I don't know how to act when I'm around her and she's really chill and dense as a fruitcake no matter how many times I compliment her. What should I do?"

I hardly register his question, contemplating the fact that Uri gets uncomfortable. The look is so foreign I can't begin to imagine what it must be like in person. Sure, my crying made him uncomfortable, but crush uncomfortable? That must be on a whole nother level...

"Delilah?"

"Yeah? Sorry, what?" I blink as I reach across the floor for a blanket from the couch.

"How do I deal with this girl?"

"You're kidding. Uri, you should know, I have less experience than you do and even less with romance and crushes. Why are you asking me?"

"Well, because she's... She's..." he mumbles away from the phone and I miss the last of his sentence.

"What did you say? Sorry, I didn't hear you."

"She reminds me of you."

I blink. "Well..." I swallow, unsure of the tightness in my chest. What if... Could it be? "What's her name?"

"If I tell you, you might hang up." Uri sighs.

"I..." The tightness disappears and I'm left with a dead weight on top of me. I'm not the jealous, overprotective type. Why would he say that? "Why..." My words seem to leave me before I can catch them. Out of my grasp, they flee, like leaves in the wind; swirling and twirling, they taunt my reach.

"She's dense. And I thought I was a straightforward person, but... you're the only person I could think of asking, I guess." Defeated. Uri sounds defeated.

I sigh. "I'm sorry that I can't help."

"Me too."

We sigh together.

"Well, if it's any help, flowers still work, right?"

He chuckles softly.

I smile at the sound. "Perhaps a bowtie?" I add.

"Bowties are cool."

"Just, dress up for her, and be all nervous and cute if that's even possible for you, and if she's too dense to catch that hint, then I don't think she's ready for a relationship."

"Hey, that's actually good advice."

"Psh," I wave a hand even though he can't see it.

"Really, thanks, sweet potato."

The nickname feels different from the last time. I swallow hard, feeling a little more lonely than before. "I guess I'll see you later, then." I tap my phone, waking it up. The bright screen lights up the entire room.

"You sure you're alright?"

"Yep, I'm okay." I purse my lips, watching the little dust particles float in and out of the phone's light. "I got my required dosage for the night."

"What is that?"

"You."

He snorts.

"I mean, you kind of remind me of Advil, you know? Like a human painkiller cuz you distract me and stuff." I feel stupid as I mumble the ridiculous thought. Should've kept it to myself.

"I'm glad I can help," Uri says slowly. "Okay, I guess I'll go. Thanks for the advice, by the way. I'll try it out. And Elie... Promise me. If you need more painkiller, I'm right here. Promise you'll call?"

I press my lips together, unsure of the sting in my throat. "I promise."

"Thank you. Bye, Delilah."

"Bye."

Uri hangs up first. The screen goes dim. And I sit still. Very, very still.

...

The bridge is lonely.

Too lonely.

I wait for Uri, only another thirty minutes before crossing it the rest of the way and climbing down the rocks to have a closer look at the water. Standing beside the rushing current, I close my eyes and listen to the flow. It's loud. It's quick.

I crouch down and stick my fingers into the icy stream. The cold force rushes between my fingers, pushing my hand along with it. I could give in. I could let the strength of the river take me. Where would it lead me? Even if I imagine it to be an escape, I know I wouldn't truly escape.

My legs begin to tingle. I bring them out from under me and plop down on the sand and rocks, my shoes dipping into the water accidentally. I pull them out just a little too late as the freezing sensation wraps around my heels and climbs up to my toes.

A picture of Uri's face, smiling at his statement of skinny dipping this time of year pops into my mind. My throat tingles.

He likes someone else.

That's cool.

What am I still doing here?

Why am I still thinking about that?

Could that be why he didn't come today?

That's ridiculous, even for you, Delilah. Get a grip.

I clench my jaw and stand up, a resignation to not let go of my friend just because he has found a girl.

The thought doesn't really stick. It takes extra convincing for some reason. We are still friends.

But I'm a girl too...

Wait. No. Don't go there.

I climb back up the rocks and set towards home, questions teetering on the edge of my lips.

~~~~~~~ Jul-1-22
pub, Apr-30-23

i dislike this chapter... like... so much. but i'm too lazy to fix all the points that lead back to this. if i re-edit this book someday, i'll prolly take out a giant chunk of this and merge it with another section and then never look back haha