Dance with me for my heart withers

Chapter 2/2

Ajax' his mother would call him gently when he was nestled between soft sheets, his candle blown out. She would often sing him to sleep, keeping the demons and nightmares of the dark away, for she was his light. She always had been, ever since the day he was born. His family was a big one, not by choice of course, for it was believed then that the birth of a boy brought prosperity to a household and the birth of his two older sisters did not contribute to that. His father, disappointed with their gender deemed them worthless and so, he was born. The first son, in this so-called perfect family. It continued on to his three younger siblings until all the children were split, two boys and three girls and another expected 'boy' on the way.

Neither he nor his siblings were given an education, their family was far too poor for that. Instead, his father had called upon him and given him a shortsword, a rough piece of bread and sent him off. Much to his mother's dismay.

It was unfortunate that little 14-year-old Ajax did not have it easy, neither in his house nor in his so-called 'path of life', for he was and always would be the villain. The abyss tainted wretch that his family had shunned when he returned, vision in hand and covered head to toe in blood. They welcomed him in what most would consider appalling, selling him off to the Tsaritsa to be nothing more than a weapon who could shed no tears. They had, with what was left of their love for him, given him lodgings at his own house which they now called a privilege.

It was that night perhaps he had sworn to himself that he had no room in his body for either love or sadness. His mother had always told him to be happy, to wear a smile in the most difficult times for it supposedly would provide him with some comfort. He had stood in front of the mirror that night, taken his father's precious gift one that had saved his life countless times, and smiled so happy, so wide. A grin that remained permanent.

Red had always been his favourite colour

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His breath came in shallow gasps, as his world turned on its axis. He felt vomit simmer in his throat, making it feel like a live wire. He had always been such a good child, well-behaved and always happy. A deranged smile made its way onto his face as he howled, a tad hysterical. It was funny how easily laughter came to him, especially when his heartfelt too heavy in his chest. Tartaglia Childe was never describe as jovial.

Tartaglia Childe was known.

Tartaglia Childe Ajax was unknowable.

With a trembling hand he opened the door a smidgen. As he peeked from behind the door, he noticed that the hall was almost empty, only a handful of guests visible at the party. Unsurprisingly Zhongli was still there, speaking to a lavishly dressed woman by the buffet. He shut the door in fury, a loud bang echoing through the empty balcony, save for the crazed scream he let out, his hands clawing at the fine oak door. He touched his forehead to the cold wood as he slid down until his knees hit the ground.

There was no doubt he had ruined his reputation for good, the Fatui's arrival had already created suspicion in the hearts of the people of Liyue, moreover, their numerous exploits were no secret, even to the most innocent of citizens. Now along with his impudent behaviour at this so-called 'party', he was absolutely sure nobody would want anything to do with the 11th Fatui Harbinger. Surprisingly enough, he found that he couldn't care less about it, his mind still reeling from the earlier incidents. He wanted to cry, to run, to scream, yet he maintained that cold hard exterior he had put years of work into.

Taking the flight of stairs to the left of the balcony he began to descend into the street, its golden glow no longer visible as the citizens of Liyue began to prepare for their nighttime slumber. The atmosphere was sombre, chilly like the country he was born in, yet he found that the cold which he had painted red countless times, did not bring him the same comfort.

He heard a familiar voice in the distance call out his name, he grinned like a fiend, his crimson teeth and bloody lip on display.

"Childe!" He heard again, this time he couldn't help the soft chuckle that left his mouth. Turning around he came face to face with the man who seemed to make his lips turn upward every time he thought of him.

"What's wrong Xiangsheng?"

"You failed to inform me of the time you decided to depart, moreover your little tantrum caught the eyes of quite a few guests, you truly must learn to control yourself, Childe, you had me worried sick with all that screaming."

He saw red, a blinding fit of rage burned through his body, this man had the audacity to invite him to the party but pay him no attention the whole evening, to flirt with pretty guests when Childe was so hopelessly besotted with him. He knew from the moment he fell into the abyss that he was the villain of this story. The bringer of destruction, the initiator of chaos yet he could not bear to see this man before him suffer, even when there were times he wanted to plunge his hands through that perfectly fitted vest and tear out his heart. To devour it until those Cor Lapis eyes looked at him with equal parts disgust and fear.

"Childe," he said gently, "please don't run from me, tell me what is wrong. I value you as a friend, I wish to help you."

"You need only ask my dearest consultant, I will give and tell you everything you desire. You've already taken so much from me, haven't you? My heart, my dignity and now my happiness. I'm delighted that you find me so interesting, maybe next time you'll dissect me and see what I truly hide inside. Will you be disgusted then? I wonder.

"Childe please, I never took anything from you nor do I wish to. You decided to boldly confess your feelings that day when I thought I made it clear that I was a stranger to the concept of love. Moreover, is it not you who asked me to bed you after what you called a heartbreaking rejection. How am I to blame when you inflict pain upon yourself? I want to help you Tartaglia, no matter who you are in this twisted story, but I cannot aid you if you block me out just because I do not feel the same about you."

"You want to help me? HELP ME? Well then, I want you to break me, chop me into pieces until I feel nothing or, just let me be, let me 'inflict pain upon myself' as you put it until there is nothing left of me."

He looked in absolute delight as Zhongli's usually stern face turned into one of horror. He grinned pure joy filling his scarlet heart, knowing he had hurt the love of his life, the same way the Ex Archon had hurt him. With another sickening smile direct toward the man beside him he turned on his heel and fled. Moving with atmost agility, like the vision that was ever so generously given to him.

As he traversed the now darkened city of Liyue, he let his mind wander, taking him above the clouds to a place another man would have screamed at on mere sight, but it was what he considered a safe haven.

Ajax had always been an ambitious child, filled with a motivation to please not only his family but the world. To teach his younger siblings how to survive in this twisted world, to make it seem like what their people considered heaven. It was ambition that led him to fight for his life in the abyss, that slither of hope that he would live to be stronger. Had he known this same ambition would be the one to craft his downfall, he would have crushed and buried it until it was nothing more than what he enjoyed creating the most, a rotting corpse.

When did my ambition become obsession? It was a question he never dared ask himself, for he knew the answer all too well.

It always had been.

Childe Ajax Tartaglia could never feel happiness, for any speck of golden light that dared to touch him lost its glow on immediate contact, becoming a colourless part of the night sky unwanted by all, much like himself.