Thought of You (z.m)

Chapter 32 [Edited]

Chapter 32

Rose’s POV

I tossed and turned in my bed. I could feel the fatigue but it wasn’t strong enough to wash over me. My thoughts were running every where in my head. I could hear Zayn’s soft snores near my ear. 

Can Zayn actually be in love with me? Can I love him back?

I still think he’s going to end up cheating on me. Deep down, I’m still paranoid that he might leave me for someone else. Someone better, someone prettier, someone with less burden than myself. He has so many people hanging off him, he can go to absolutely anyone else. He can leave me.

I’m no where near ready for love. I’m still scarred and injured by Christian. Christian was my first love, my first heartbreak, my first everything. He broke me beyond repair and Zayn is only just beginning to fix that. Am I willing to let myself go and love him back? Am I ready to love him back?

I thought back to what he said before. You know you love me, you just gotta accept it. How can he be so sure when I’m not sure myself? And what I said to him... was it a lie or was it the truth? Do I think I love him, like really think I’m in love with him?

All these questions swirled in my head. I don’t know yet... He sounds so sure himself but i don’t think he really is. I think he’s in some sort of illusion because he’s happy with me. Maybe he’s just in love with that happiness, not me. Maybe he’s just in love with all the memories we’ve created, the relationship we built. 

If I accept the fact that I love him, if I actually do, he could realise he was in love with the wrong thing. What if I said something, something small, that hurt him? Would he still be with me or would he leave me because i broke his trust and his happiness? Things like these is what I have to consider. With Christian, if I ever called him a dickhead the way I did the other day, he would’ve been out the door in less than a minute. Zayn stayed, maybe he didn’t leave because he started it first. Maybe he stayed because of the curiosity  that left him confused of my outrageous antics. 

Okay, comparisons and doubts aside, do I really love him? Does my heart say that? Does my heart scream the name Zayn? This shouldn’t be the matter of me getting hurt in the end or the fact that I got hurt before or the fact that I’m cynical towards love. It should be about what I’m really feeling. What my heart is saying.

It’s 3 am. I haven’t once fallen asleep, I haven’t once closed my eyes. I’m trapped in these vast thoughts that never seems to stop. That never comes up right. 

I rolled over and faced Zayn, bringing my hands up to touch his face. I ran my thumbs lightly on his closed eyelids, feeling the softness of it and feeling his eyelashes as it rubbed against his cheekbones. I ran my fingers through his soft brown hair that was ruffled and sticking up every which way. I slid my hands down his face and felt the stubble along his jawline, it tickled my palms slightly. I ran light thumbs along his parted lips, feeling the softness of the pair. I felt his breath lightly touch my fingertips.

Am I in love with that? His godly given face, his godly touched body, his angelic heart, his childish behaviour, his comforting tone, his beautiful personality, his wise brain. 

If that’s how I describe him, does that mean I love him?

‘I love you, Rose.’ I heard him breath out, restlessly. He didn’t even seem awake. I felt my heart flutter in my chest and my lips pulled into a smile. 

I’m not in love with him.

Yet

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