i just wish if i could express myself more openly you know? but sometimes it feels as though no one would like it. that they'll just look at me and turn their heads away, saying that this is not the me who they liked. heck it feels like that the most of the time. the words I say, are barely anything but of honesty. they always go through so much process, so much doubts and fears before even coming out that it's crazy. It's like i'm just a walking fears and doubts, and there is nothing more to my existence. I feel pretty low you know. I know I lie. I know I lie all the time because I know they don't understand. They won't. They don't feel the way I do. They don't listen the way I want them to. They don't understand the way I want them to. And what's really the point of even saying something, when it is never really understood, by not even a single person? It hurts to never be understood. To always be having to explain yourself. Again and again. The truth. How is even truth said if it's not understood? What's even the point of saying it? In the end, all I do is keep lying to myself and to others. But I want to write something honest you know. I don't care about anything else but I want my writing to reflect at least bits of my honesty and my personhood. I don't want it to be layered with my fears and edited by insecurities. I am sad. I am empty. And I want to write that without feeling like I'm being a burden. I want to write it without feeling like it doesn't matter. Because it does. It does, so much to me. It's hard for me but it really does.
I just wanted to get this out because if feels a bit overwhelming. But I feel pretty calm now. Whenever I write down what I feel, I feel pretty calm. At least there is somewhere I can go sad and yet feel calm. At this moment, I'm just lying on my bed with dried tears, under a ceiling fan while a blanket is half covering me. I'm listening to a song named "in my dreams" by red velvet repeatedly. It feels peaceful. Nights are so peaceful. Why does it have to be day? I want nights to last longer. I want this serenity to stay. I know. I know when I wake up tomorrow, it's not going to be the same. But at least at this moment, I can feel peace. At least, days end with nights and I'm very good in nights. I am alone and I'm calmer than I could have ever been.
