I don't know it's just sometimes I feel like I don't even receive even the close to half of what I give. What hurts even more are those experiences when you feel like you're just about to receive something that you've been craving for, just about to, but before you do so, it just disappears. It's not the other person's fault. It's just me and my circumstances. It's just that I keep finding parents in other people, to feel what my real ones could not make me, to give me some love, give me some validation, give me something, just something. I feel kind of selfish I will not lie. I wish if I had someone who could hug me when I'm crying, I wish if someone could tell me some comforting words. I just wish I had a friend, a really close friend but of course at the end all I have is solitude, silence and this screen which I keep using as a route of escapism because I can't bear the reality. I'm still trying. I am hugging myself. I am patting my back. I am telling myself comforting and positive words. I am trying to heal from what has happened and make present not something my future self has to heal from. I'm trying to give myself my back. Because I don't want to turn out bad. But it gets hard sometimes you know. To be all on your own. Sometimes I get outbursts like the one I'm getting right now, and I don't know how to handle myself at that time. I'm afraid to hurt anyone who comes near me. But I don't want to be a distant person. I want to say something genuine and raw from heart. I wish if I had someone but at the same time I feel like I'm better on my own. Anyways I should stop envying some people.
