Before I start.
If any of you make fatherless jokes because of my interests, I will not hesitate to bite back.
He is dead, I'm glad he can't pollute this world with his existence anymore, but that has NOTHING to do with my hobbies or how I choose to spend my time. 😃
So please don't, because I don't like being rude.
Also please don't vent here <3
Trigger warnings: parental issues, self hate, shouting (full caps for a long time), child loss/miscarriage
I hate it when people on the internet are like "Oh I have daddy issues" and then proceed to list whatever light and fluffy side effects (y'know, affectionate, sensitive, empathetic)
I don't have those daddy issues.
I have the unable-to-cry daddy issues.
I have the 3am-mental-breakdown-but-doesn't-even-cry-at-his-funeral, constantly-sexualising-myself daddy issues.
The jealous-of-my-friends'-dads, craving-masculine-affection-but-never-feeling-good-enough daddy issues.
The it-hurts-to-stay-but-you're-the-only-one-who-loves-me-like-he-was-supposed-to daddy issues.
The crushes-on-men-way-older-than-me, latching-onto-my-male-teachers daddy issues.
But I'll never say that to anyone's face.
Because those daddy issues aren't "fun" or "quirky".
They're "draining", "toxic" and "a waste of space".
they say, "if a child grows up in a burning house, they think the whole world is on fire".
No.
It's not actively knowing that the house is on fire and thinking that everything else is just as bad.
it's thinking the house isn't burning at all.
IT'S NOT MY FUCKING FAULT THAT MY DAD WAS A NARCISSISTIC JUNKIE WHO COULDN'T GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT HIS OWN DAUGHTER AND TREATED HER LIKE HIS OWN PERSONAL FUCKING NURSE WHEN HE HAD A DIABETIC HYPO OR WAS STONED OUT OF HIS MIND!
but what am I talking about.
what do I know.
I'm just the mistake child of a stoner and a woman who shouldn't have been able to have me in the first place.
The shame daughter.
The one who always gets talked about behind her back at family gatherings because I DON'T BELONG HERE.
Not with Daddy Dearest and his shitstain family.
Not with Mommy Dearest and her toxic asshole relatives.
Not anywhere.
It shouldn't have been me.
It should have been Elle. At least my mom wanted her and had her with a man she loved. She would have been 14 this year.
Or Brendan. He was completely planned down to what nursery he was going to attend, and my mom loved his dad. He would have been starting Year 5 in September.
But no.
They never had the curse of being born into this stupid, pointless, hateful world and this shitty, toxic family.
Instead, it was me.
The girl who shouldn't have been.
The stupid, useless CHILD who doesn't know how to say "I can't do this" and grew up in a shit environment, never understanding that the fire wasn't a good thing.
-Error
