My Life Story. (Mental Health Awareness)

cousin.

I've not seen my cousin in around 10 months. I know it doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but it is to me. It's more complicated than simply, not being able to see him..

My cousin was the only one i trusted. The only one who i felt like i could talk to and not worry or overthink about getting judged or looked at differently. He was the one person who stuck with me, when I felt as though my own best friend (now ex) wasn't wanting to be friends anymore (i was right lol). He was the one person I wasn't anxious or overly worried around. He made my mental health so much better, after it being so low for so long. Now it's going down more rapidly than it ever has before and I feel like no one cares. No one understands how, at one point, he was my best friend and my only friend.

Ever since I stopped being able to see him, everything has just gotten worse. The panic attacks, flashbacks, dissociation, school attendance, the lot of it. Everyone in my house acts like he doesn't even exist anymore. It annoys me so much, to the point where I lash out but don't mean to because I just don't know how to cope.

I know what you're thinking, "why don't you just message him?" well, he checks his phone every few times a month or so and I have messaged him, but he's not replied or messaged me since November 2021. Even though he's seen the messages. I've asked my mum to message him, she says she has, but, I've not heard anything about him from her since. That was over 2 months ago. I'm pretty sure, she thinks I've forgotten about him. Like she pretends she does. 

I know all this seems like i'm just being over-dramatic, but, I've got no one else to talk to about this. I can't talk to my mum because she'll make some random excuse. I can't talk to my brother because he's the reason i haven't seen him for so long. I can't talk to my dad because he doesn't understand in the slightest. I've got no one else. No one else was as close as i was to him.

Everywhere downstairs in my house, reminds me of him. From, the living room to the kitchen to the porch. Everywhere. I get random memories of him and it just upsets me so much.

i think i'm going insane..