Criminal Minds Series Rewrite: Season Two

Fear and Loathing: Part One

warnings: talk about child rape, tw: rape, tw: pregnancy

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"From the deepest desires often come the deadliest hate." - Socrates

Spencer never came over after he was rescued. It's understandable knowing what he went through, but you didn't sleep a wink. You tried to, but every time you closed your eyes, you'd see how broken and bruised Spencer was. The guilt has never lifted from your shoulders even though he's told you repeatedly that it wasn't your fault. If you had never left him alone, then he would never have felt such pain and horror.

You have no choice but to force yourself to move on, and if Spencer decides that he hates you for what you did, then you have to take it. It would shatter your heart to pieces if he left you, but you're the one who brought this on yourself.

You stare at yourself in the mirror, seeing how broken your eyes are. You've been crying all night, so your eyes are a bit puffy, your hair isn't as shiny as before, and your skin looks a little pale. You definitely have had better days. You shrug on your blazer when your phone rings. That ringtone has you sprinting to your phone because you set a specific ringtone for Spencer whenever he calls or texts you.

Meet me outside. I'm here.

Knowing he isn't mad enough to still talk to you brings a smile on your face, but the fact that you don't know what he wants from you wipes the smile from your face. With a deep breath, you grab the rest of your things and head outside where he is leaning on your car. He doesn't look too good, but he definitely looks better than before.

"Hi," you mutter, approaching him with caution.

"Have you been crying all night?"

His gentle tone is enough to bring back the tears.

"I'm so sorry, Spencer. I'm sorry for leaving you."

"No, don't blame yourself. It wasn't your fault." He pulls you into his arms and wipes the tears from your face, kissing the tip of your nose. "You couldn't have known. I never blamed you in the first place. It was my fault for being too excited and running off. I didn't know what was in that barn, so I put you at risk as well. Please do not blame yourself."

He pulls you in gently and kisses you, and you cry against the kiss, wrapping your arms around his neck. He pulls away and rests his forehead against your own, staring into your eyes.

"And I love you too," he smiles.

He remembers what you said last night, but he was so overwhelmed that he didn't get a chance to say it back to you.

"I love you so much," you smile and kiss him again. "I'm going to stop off at that coffee shop you like and get us some coffee. Okay?"

"Sounds perfect.

You peck his lips once more and get behind the wheel, and Spencer gets in the passenger seat. You're still guilt-ridden but the fact that Spencer told you he loves you makes this a lot better than it is. You pull into the parking lot of the coffee shop and park, grabbing your wallet instead of your entire purse.

"Stay here. I'll be right back."

"Four sugars please."

"Yes, I know to add a splash of coffee to your cup of sugar," you chuckle.

You walk into the coffee shop and get in line, already knowing what you're going to order. Luckily, the line moves pretty quickly, so you have your order placed within five minutes. To pass the time, you take out your phone and play a mindless game you downloaded over the weekend to keep you distracted from messaging Spencer a thousand times to apologize over and over again.