Stay

i wanted to leave
so they locked me up
closed in, watched closely
no room for escape
forced to stay
forced to medicate
..
medicate.
..
medicate for a will to live
a will to do anything other than die

my temporary reason became those around me
i say temporary because i knew
i knew it wouldn't always be enough
enough to heal the loneliness at the core of my soul
i knew it was only a matter of time
until i'd break under all of their weight
like i already broke under my own
how much can i hold?
how much can i bear?
how strong am i?
strong enough that i'm still here
i never left
or else you wouldn't be reading this
so let me tell you why i chose to stay.

a sound.

the day i heard it
i knew.
this.
i will hold onto this.
i will let this save me
and so i did

the sound;
a heartbeat
i held onto it
tried so hard to memorize it exactly
so i could replay it
so when the clouds rolled in
i could hear that sweet rhythmic thud

the sound grounded me
my loneliness tried to pull me from this earth again and again
each time i let this heartbeat anchor my body to my soul
i let it fill my lungs
i let it connect my heart to life
the life growing inside me

that heartbeat saved me

a sound so innocent
so promising
promising life
not just his but mine

finally i saw
finally purpose
finally clarity
finally healing
finally, undeniable love with no expectations
love without limitations
love unlike anything

i cherish this heartbeat

and so,
i stayed
this time, because i wanted to