TRIGGER WARNING: sexual assault
my eyes fluttered
but stayed shut
movement
still my eyes were closedi didn't remember falling asleep
but i knew where i was
i believed i was sleeping safelymy body should have jolted
but my eyes only opened just enough
enough to witness what i feared he was going to do
enough to wish they hadn't opened at alli remember trying to form the word "no"
but the word wouldn't leave my lipsi don't know if i was frozen from fear
from shock
or from something else
it's hard to know for sure
hard not only because i had drank that night
but because i was stunned
stunned at what was happening
stunned at who was violating mesee he was someone i knew prior to this
someone i trusted
someone my family trusts..
trusts.
yes, still trusts.
still greets him as they always havei think he used this to his advantage
because no one truly believed me when i told themthe courage it took to share what happened
was met with odd looks of disbelief
looks that swept away the little courage i had
looks that made me question my sanity
looks that made me wish away my lifelooks that made me ask questions
questions that one in this position should never ask
so why do we ask them?because we're taught from a young age
we're given rules
dress codeswas i wearing something too revealing?
did i lead him on?
i'm sure we danced that night
but didn't we all dance?
was it my makeup?surely these are illegitimate questions
questions that shouldn't even run through my mindso what do i do now?
i've seen him since.
i hold my breath when i do.
but then i release it.
and i repeat this over and over
i breathe
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Poetrypoetry about wanting death but finding something to live for. join me on my journey, past and present. trigger warning: ptsd, suicide, depression, anxiety, sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse