Same Here (I Love You)

Prologue - Mere toh 'L' lag gaye

It was in the month of February 2020, I was in my granny's home. I came there to escape the reality, to find some peace by playing with my sister's kids who i believed were my painkillers.

I was fucked mentally. I had no strength remaining to hold myself. It was difficult to breathe. I didn't know how I landed up there to be honest. All I knew was that I was very guilty. Guilty for all the things I did wrong. I kept blaming myself every minute. After all I deserved it. The level of guilt I had was enough to kill me. It kept choking me. All I wished was to go back in time and to repair everythng that led stuffs to go out of my hands. But jeena toh isika naam hena ?

"Khudke pair p khulhadi maarna" is what I did. But I didn't know when, where exactly the khulhadi slipped and fell on my toes. Why did it slip? Why did I not hold it tight ? Why did I not move my legs? The questions remained unanswered and moreover it was too late.

I was visibly sad. I had no strength to hide it from my family. I used to spend the day just like that doing nothing. I couldn't control my mind. My mind kept wandering, thinking about him, about us, about my fate. My family knew that there was something wrong with me.

Do you remember the time when you were this sad ? I believe zindagii ek baar toh sabki gaand marti hi hai. It's necessary, that's when you lose your virginity and grow mature. Chudi hui gaand leke there are only two possibilities, one is to dwell on the past and keep thinking about it, spoil you're life literally and other one is to grow through it, become your better version. And that version is super powerful.

And I was in phase 1, dwelling in the past like a pro.

After all the Randi Rona, I opened our Instagram page that we had created together, I saw a familiar name in the story section. It was him! I was shook! Wait, but ?! He reactivated his account? Why? How did he not tell me ? I mean we had deactivated it together. How could he not tell me before reactivating it?

I didn't know what to do, I clicked and opened the story. It was his picture. How could I not smile ? That face, the innocence, aaahhh my heart was smiling. It's weird, tumhe gussa bhi whi dilata hai shaant bhi vahi kar sakta hai. I was lost looking at that pic for sometime, until reality hit me, hit me harddd that he didn't think it was even important enough to let me know that he reactivated the account.

I know I shouldn't hope for him to inform but hope toh muje bohot cheezon ka tha, that maybe he'd forgive me, maybe he'll want me back, maybe this and that. But jab kismat k lage ho lode toh hum aur tum kya hi kar sakte hain?!

Due to my impulsion, I texted him after seeing the story. I wonder how I controlled myself from texting him all these days. Maybe I didn't have a reason to text. I was waiting for a reason to text. And this was it. I was expecting a reply, expectations ka niyati hai bhang hona. Hope = Lol. I was impatient, I called him, he didn't recieve the call, I called again, and again and yet again! Self respect bhi badi kutti cheez hai. Jab hoti hai toh value nahi hoti, and jab chali jaati toh ekdum value aajati hai.

tring tring, tring ring
" Hello"
My heart started breathing again, I felt alive again, itni sasti ilaaj thi mere gham ki. Bus ek hello pe pigal gayi mai. The amount of happiness I felt when I heard his voice again! I can't explain.

After being in relationship with him for almost a year, I knew all the variation of his voices. Although I felt happy listening to his voice, I knew I fucked up because he was sleeping all this while. Yeah, he just woke up from sleep or rather I disturbed his sleep. Already cheeze itni kharab hai and I'm just doing my usual 'aag mai ghee' shit.

As I realised my mistake, I said

"Hello Vishal"

"Bolo kya hua" he said in a very serious tone, he was angry, ho bhi kyu naa.

"Tumne insta reactive karr li?" I asked, in a sad tone.

"Haa kyun tumne bhi toh kar li"

"Maine kab ki?"

"Toh tumhe kaise pata laga ki maine ki?" He said in a defensive tone.

"Hamare insta se maine tumhre story dekhi, maine reactive nahi ki", I said defending myself.

"Toh karlo, kisne roka hai?"

I didn't know what to say.
I gathered my strength and said,
"Mai tumhari tarah nahi hu naa, kya kru"

"Dekho Poonam, mai busy hu, mujhe jaana hai. Tum aise mayoos mat raho. Kaam kro kuch aur distract kro apne aap ko. Tumhe ab aise hi jeena hai. Aadat daalo"

And he disconnected the call. The conversation happened once , but I played it again and again in my mind, and again and yet again!

Mai chup bhaitne wali thi nahi. Bhool jaana was not an option. I didn't know was caught onto me, all I knew was instagram mai jitni marzi incorrect password daal do, it doesn't send any notification or message to the owner unless you want to send. Yup! I tried to open his insta without his permission. Mera banda tha, I'm not trying to open a stranger's account. Come on!!

When u enter wrong password, it says that it's incorrect within fraction of seconds. Everytime I entered a password, a red colored sentence said "Incorrect Password". I had barely tried 6 passwords and was almost ready to give up. I had no hope that any of my passwords would be correct because it was a dumb thing to hope for! duh!!! He had changed his password after the reactivation, there was no hope but I kept trying, a voice inside me kept saying try one last time maybe this time it is right and the ideas for trying passwords kept flowing.

I don't know when, how and which password it was but the page started loading! Yes! It was loading and fuck!!! His homepage! I could see it. I didn't even try like 10 passwords and it opened. I was proud of how pretty well I knew him.

Ok fine! Judge me, I might be super wrong, it might be unethical bla bla but now that I think of it, it was the best decision I took. Idk what the situation would've been now if I hadn't taken the decision to break into his account!

Why?
One minute into his account, and the things I saw changed my perspective, it changed everything.
My life changed from that day onwards. What my life was before and what it became after, is something that forced me to write this.

What did I see? Was he cheating on me ? Was he doing this so that I'll be happy ? Was he gonna die outta cancer ? Hold on!

Drop a like to encourage me iff you liked my work! Thanks!