Speechless

11 November 2019

There it is again, the numb feeling. The thoughts are drowning me out, I'm stuck in a loophole that coexist's in my head. I love him, don't I? Or is it just that I'm desperate for affection. No, It cant be. What is love? Have I really felt it? Isn't it all just butterflies in your stomach, or cheesy pickup lines over message? I don't know.

***

"There's someone I'd like you to meet."

My friend calls me over frantically, Q as I called her. It was lunch time and I had just gotten out of class. My black school shoes clack over to her table, it felt as if everyone had their eyes on me. I smoothed my school uniform and nervously stood among her friends.

She was a grade below me, my school had two systems. One was national and the other international, although we were the same age international students skipped a grade. Despite the two of us in different classes, she has always been a dear friend of mine.

"What is it?"

I ask, fiddling with my fingers. Q smiled and grabbed me by the hand.

I didn't know it at the time, but this would be the start of something new. Something fresh, but also the key to my future heartbreaks. Sometimes I wish it never happened.

In a split second I was standing in a middle of a crowd, surrounded by students a grade above me. There he stood, a young boy with dark black hair. A few centimetres shorter then me, his gaze locked into mine. My cheeks reddened in embarrassment, I was confused, suddenly all the voices became muffled and my heart skipped a beat.

"Hey you like her right? Come on man she's right here!"

I call him X, his friends continued egging him on. He turned towards the male bathroom and ran. I didn't get to say hello or a simple greeting, an abrupt meeting that would bother me for the next few days. It circled my head like a toy train, I hated that.

Surprisingly I had gotten very close to his class after the incident, we exchanged numbers and made a group chat to message in. I was in an after school program with some of his friends, it was a blast. To be honest we gossiped a lot, talking about what was happening around campus and our daily lives. I felt like I had found my long lost family. They joked around about how I would date X one day and we'd end up together. I didn't mind the jokes, they were quite funny. But looking back at these memories reminded me of a saying, "Everything you say is a prayer."

I believe that.

In just a few months me and X had been closer then before, he texted me constantly day and night. I was flattered with all the sweet things he said, his friends would steal his phone and try messaging me. I laughed every time they did so, they sent me videos of him and pictures of them hanging out together. I felt protective every time I saw another girl on his Instagram story or someone mentioning him.

My heart couldn't help itself, I fell deeper and deeper every time he talked or messaged me.

He was a sweet talker, a great manipulator. Even I fell into his trap, climbing out of it would be liked climbing a smooth cliff with no ridges. I couldn't believe it.

It was a Monday evening. My parents were out and I was left at home with nothing to do. My cousin switched on the TV and we watched "Crazy Rich Asians" I had watched it countless of times before, but something about the movie always made it feel special. I was scrolling through TikTok out of boredom, I sat on the couch beside my cousin. His eyes were glued to the TV, my finger lazily swiped up to the next video.

A notification tab appeared.

X had messaged me! I sat up and straightened my back.

"Can we talk?"