Speechless

Square one: "Confession"

I sit, pencil in hand and ideas in the other. The sound of the whirring fan fills my ears; in front of me sat CJ and D. We sat cross legged, recounting what had happened earlier in the day. What started as laughter and jokes slowly turned into an unexpected therapy session.

Music played in the background, blending like the acrylic paint on CJ's hand. The once vibrant colours became muddy and mute. D sat beside me, phone out and a glum smile plastered on their face.

My shaky arm reaches out to grab their phone, eyes fixated on the text in front of me. Words of love, curiosity, honesty and truth spilled out.

The feeling of soreness and grief came back, like a clenching pain in my chest. Words so beautifully written and crafted, all about someone they love.

I stare in amazement as a tear trickled down my pale cheek which had now flushed red. My eyes welled up, ears pink in colour.

The music which had been playing in my headphones suddenly sunk in deeper and deeper within my broken soul. The soul which I had tried taping back into place, shattered a little more.

They looked at me, eyes fixated onto mine. CJ sat in silence, waiting for my response.

My heart whispered and murmured, I envied how much love they truly had for this person. I may not know what true love feels like, but maybe this was it..written in text.

As I finish the last paragraph I passed the phone to CJ, their eyes as welled as mine. The art which they had worked on stared in space, the long pause and silence between us filled the air. We looked at one another, the somber atmosphere thickened.

One by one we cried silently. All entangled within similar feelings, heart to heart. K and SW came and sat down, all of us on the floor, cross legged..or maybe for me laying down.

My head spun whilst my heart was throbbing. K handed out tissues, the crumpled paper soaked in tears. CJ and D did the same, wiping away the trickling drops.

I laid on the floor, arms up close to my chest, SW hugged me from beside. I speak with a shaky, aching voice.

"I felt that on another level", I say. D looks at me, perking up a smile. CJ came closer, leaning into the conversation.

Me and D had similar worries, although mine was the feeling of unfinished business. Why do I feel as if the closure present was merely the beginning?

My emotions were overbearing, drowning the sound out. Again, I was confused and lost. Have I been pushing the idea of you too fast? Have I been acting fine so that I'd numb myself like self made anaesthetics? Everything felt so dream like, unreal almost.

I expressed what I had locked up in my heart, once and for all. My aching heart spilled out like water in a cup; streaming like the water of a spring.

Though the water was cloudy, it was filled with doubt, anger, disappointment and confusion. The feelings within me had been spread across the table.

I spoke my truth, though feeling dismissive about it. Two worlds which I once thought could have been more, so far away; drifted like the heavens and the earth. So out of touch, completely misplaced.

We all did.

Out of the blue we were taken out of class, sooner enough we were in front of a camera. Posing for a school advertisement. Bright smiles smacked onto our faces, loud and enthusiastic voices to accompany us.

After the sudden "commercial break" CJ ran back upstairs to see their special someone; HN as I called them.

Call this story crazy but honestly that's life right? It's like a never ending rollercoaster, steep falls and deep inclines.

***

Me and D walked back to class, slowly but at a controlled pace. They probably knew me inside out but just didn't know it yet. It was comforting having someone like them as a friend. So understanding and kind, so forgiving and open minded. I felt as if all my worries could be shared, without judgement that is.

D then asked me in a soft yet stern voice, "Is what you envision now, a true image of them? Or what you remember of them? Are they really as great as you paint them to be?"

I turned to face them, eyes widened. I was held aback, it never occurred to me.

D waited patiently, facing me with ponder.

Like a blank canvas, my ideas of people can be morphed and changed. Colours so blurry and memories so hazy. The colours which I had laid out in front of me were muddy and murky. Was the image I had been envisioning all this while only those that my brain decided to plaster together? Can we finally determine that there will be nothing but a fuming flame between us from now on? Will what we had only bring rage and anger? I sit back and wonder.

Is what I paint you to be nothing like what your true colours are? Is what I see in the mirror only a demented, yet favoured complexion of yours which I stare at?

Maybe there is no room for kindness of forgiveness in that heart of yours, maybe you truly did forget about the past.

I grieve and dwell on a spark which once existed, one that I had lost. Maybe it is true, what others say, there really wasn't any love in this equation.

I don't know how I feel about you, nor the actions you have committed. How you display yourself to others and the words which spill out your mouth. Someone who I loved talking to, updating my life about and sharing my little moments to; gone and disintegrated into dust.

Do I hate you? Obviously not. Do I wonder what you see me as now? Yes.

Those whom I've fallen in love with, share a different bond in comparison to friends and family. I feel as if you've seen me at my lowest, did my character which you once saw in a different light; morphed once again?

My attitude now glosses over this feeling of self confusion, whether it was love which was lost or only a connection which I desperately wanted.

I see you as a free spirit, bouncing off different situations one way or another. I wonder how you do it, how you seem to be almost perfectly fine.

It seems to be that you've received the closure you wanted, whereas I feel empty and rather incomplete. The words which you once spoke to me with, were they empty all along?

How do you do it, connecting with a soul like how I presumably did to yours? How is it you settle down so fast, whereas I'm taking baby steps to my goal.

I don't know.

These questions instilled within me will forever be unanswered. You probably hate my guts, but I don't blame you. I hope that one day I will be able to look back on these days, no anger and spite intertwined with them.

This aching soul of mine is slowly recovering; maybe I just haven't realised it.

I put faith in the one above that all my worries and anxiety are simply thoughts which bother me at night. I trust in his plan and what he has in store for me.

I believe that he will always persevere and the pain which I feel now is for a good cause. After all, everything happens for a reason.

I instil my faith within him, that he will guide me back to the path which he has written for me, that he will protect this broken heart of mine. Inshallah the answers will prevail.

For now I pray wholeheartedly that I will be fine, the challenges thrown at me only little stepping stones.

***

To my dear reader, thank you for accompanying me in this journey of recovery. Reading these snippets of my life makes me have hope that someone out there will find my account as a safe haven; a judgement free zone and a place of healing.

Remember to take care of yourselves and to stay hydrated during these hot scorching days.

Till we meet again,

Anonymous.