a torturous passion [ sangwoo x oc x yoon bum ] DISCONTINUED

01

I understand now. I'm aware now.

He draws people like us in. He knows kind actions would get us hooked. Obsessed. Because nobody ever loved us. Nobody ever gave us the time of day.

A handsome man smiles at you. Invites you for a drink. Has anybody smiled at you? Has anybody ever loved you?

He doesn't love us. All the beatings and blood and sex was all a game for him.

I see it. I see the light. Are we free? Will I finally see the world again? Will we live happily ever after?

Please save me, God. I don't love him. He doesn't love me. It was all a game.

________

5 years earlier

⚠️ EATING DISORDER & SELF HARM

I stared at the dosirak (Korean bento box) box resting on the school cafeteria table. Girls my grade crowded the table, laughing, gossiping and such. Ignoring my existence as usual.

When I was younger in elementary school, I asked my mom if I was a ghost. Because I was invisible at school.

She just laughed.

I sat up, my stomach growled, desperate for a bite of food. I wouldn't allow my weak, mortal needs get in the way of my goals.

I picked up my dosirak and walked towards the garbage can, scraping off the steaming food into the trash bag. I smiled. I always felt proud of myself for overcoming hunger. It was an accomplishment. It gave me a sense of control and worth.

I fixed my gaze on the tall man with rustled black hair walk past me. My cheeks flushed. It was Sangwoo, the boy I liked.

He was a year above me. 12th grade. All the girls liked him, though. And I had no chance with him, considering even the nerds who are bullied here reject me as their peer.

I put my dosirak box with the rest of empty, dirty trays. I walked to the bathroom and stared at myself in the dirty mirror with graffiti on it.

My brown hair was stringy, tied into sloppy pigtails. My school uniform was incredibly baggy from my underweight figure. I was practically a skeleton.

I couldn't tell if I hated my body or loved it. I'm proud that my uniform no longer fits me, and I'm proud that I have to sit so often because I get dizzy if I walk too long.

My poor, debilitating health proved that I was getting closer to my goal. My goal of being as skinny as I possibly can, before I drop dead.

As I walked out of the bathroom I ran into another girl with bleached dyed hair. Her orange juice spilt all over me.

She groaned loudly. "Thanks a lot." She said sarcastically before walking into the bathroom and nudging me with her shoulder.

I felt like crying. Why? I don't know. I don't know why spilt orange juice hurt me so much.

Curse my sensitivity.

I sighed and walked back downstairs to the locker room to shower and change into a fresh, new uniform.

As I was undressing to get into the shower, PE had just started and girls spilled into the locker room, erupting in chatter and laughter.

I sighed. I didn't want anyone seeing me shower. I stripped down naked and turned on the water to as hot as possible. I liked the way it burnt my skin and made me feel like fainting.

Some girls walked into the shower too. My naked body compared to theirs was sickly and pale.

They looked at me in disgust. I turned away, embarrassed and uncomfortable, trying to rush my shower as fast as I could.

"Why do you look like that?" A tan girl asked with a laugh.

I didn't respond. Tears formed in my eyes. I just wanted to disappear.

"Do you even eat?" One girl laughed.

I quickly turned off my shower, grabbed my towel and ran to my locker. I didn't bother drying off. I just wanted out of there as soon as possible.

I got into my uniform and ran into the bathroom. I locked myself into the stall. I sobbed.

I lifted the hem of my skirt and looked at the deep, fresh cuts I had made on my thighs. I ran my fingers along them.

I sniffled and grabbed the razor blade I kept in the front pocket of my cardigan and slowly ran the blade across my blemished, thin skin.

I winced from the pain. After one cut, relaxation washed over me. For a few seconds, everything was ok. My tears ceased, and I grabbed some toilet paper and wiped the dots of blood forming on my skin.

After school, I dreaded going back home. My parents died in a car crash a few years ago, so I lived with my older sister, Ha-Joon.

I hated her. I always have. She was a drunk, and bullied me ever since I was born.

Once I arrived home, Ha-Joon was passed out drunk on the couch with an empty bottle of vodka near her. I sighed. Our small apartment reeked of vomit. I walked towards her and it was leaking out of her mouth.

I gagged. I turned her over on her side so she wouldn't choke on her own vomit. I threw my shoes off and walked to my bedroom.

I stripped off my clothes and was left in my bra and underwear only. I looked into my full length mirror, and eyed my body again. Examining every flaw I see.

Cuts lined my thighs, stomach and arms. I ran my hands along my visible bones and smiled weakly at myself.

I walked to my bed on the floor and grabbed my laptop. My room was dark, with the blinds shut. The only light was the blue hue shining from my laptop screen.

I didn't bother changing into clothes, so I just lounged in my underclothes and took my hair out of its pigtails.

I logged into my account, and the first thing I did was check Sangwoo's Instagram. I looked at his recent post.

It was a selfie with a girl I recognized at school. I think it was Min Jieun. She was very popular at school.

I felt a little jealous. I still clicked like on his post.

I scrolled further down until I was years into his Instagram account. Pictures of him and his friends from as far as his 9th year in high school.

I sighed with a smile as I admired his perfectly chiseled face. I looked at the time and realized it was only 7 pm.

Yet, I felt extremely tired. I wanted to sleep and just get the day over with. I closed my laptop and walked up to my dresser.

I opened the drawer and dug through my folded clothes to pull out a bottle of pills.

They were my sisters. But I stole them from her. They were potent benzodiazepines, with a little label that I wrote called "sleepy baby."

I smiled and opened the bottle and popped a few. They made me feel so relaxed and euphoric. My sleepy baby pills and Sangwoo were my only sources of peace and happiness in this world.

Soon my eyelids got heavy and I slipped into a peaceful slumber.