Hope

SHIVA

Kaveri's POV

I stood in the same place numbly as I  don't know what I should do. How can I divorce him after all these years?

I was very good at studies. I was  preparing for the entrance exam for medicine but my uncle got me married to his son. I didn't even attend the entrance exam. I just joined a regular degree college. I attended the college for a couple of months but later I conceived which forced me to discontinue my studies. My husband always said, "What's the need for you to study? I'm here to provide you with everything. Your only priority should be me and now our child. You don't have to study now and rule the world. You just stay by my side and be a good wife."

Even though, I always wanted to become a doctor, I forgot all my  ambitions and just concentrated on being a good wife to my husband. I never went against his wishes. Even from our childhood, I always obeyed him. My uncle always loved me and wanted me as his daughter in-law. Even from our childhood, he fed both of us that we would get married when we grow up.

In the childhood, we didn't understand what marriage was but later, we both realised our feelings for each other. He never shied away from showing his love. He never let my male classmates talk to me. His younger brother was my classmate and he was his reporter. He would inform everything related to me to his brother. He was very controlling but I was very content with my life as I was blindly in love with him.

Everything was fine. My life was literally like a fairytale. I had everything I wanted and my husband and in-laws pampered me. My mother was happy seeing me happily  married. 

Even after the death of my first child, my in-laws, my husband didn't leave my side. They were very caring. After my mother's sudden death, I was once again devasted but everyone's  support and love made me stay strong.

But after my brother in-law and his wife were blessed with their first child, my husband started being very rude to me. He started to come home late. Even our relatives and family started taunting me for my  inefficiency to become a mother.

For the first time in my life, I started feeling lonely. My husband who promised to treat me like a goddess started to ignore me. I wanted to mend our relationship. I tried  everything which I could try but failed to gain his love.

One night, I was anxiously waiting for him as it was past midnight. He was drunk on that night. I tried to give support to him as he was struggling to walk. I always hated alcohol and it's smell. He never drank as he knew that I hated alcohol and also promised to never touch it. But seeing him  forgetting his promises made me very hurt. But even I understood that our relationship has changed a lot.

I made him sleep on his side of the bed and I slept on my side of the bed. But after many days, my husband hugged me and started kissing me. I was disgusted by the smell and tried to push him away but he was not in  his senses and didn't understand my discomfort. 

I pushed him away and tried to run out of the room but he roughly grabbed me and pushed me on the bed which terrified me. I was terrified and again tried to run but he was stronger than me and finally succeeded in what he wanted. He slept like a baby after sexually  abusing me.

I never expected him to behave in such manner. I didn't sleep on that night. In the morning when he woke up, he saw me crying and seeing him waking up, I stopped crying and said, "How can you do this to me? Don't  you have any shame? " 

Listening to me, he looked alerted and quickly came near me and tried to  apologise but I pushed him and asked him to never touch me.

After the death of my three children, my husband never touched me and to mend our relationship, I tried to  initiate the intimacy but he always pushed me away. But, I never expected him to sexually abuse me and that abuse to again cause another pregnancy.

After knowing that I was pregnant again, my husband took care of me and even I didn't refuse him as I know how desperately he was waiting to  become a father. I just let him stay by my side only as a father of my child. But his love and care again made me hope for a happy life ahead. I thought everything was again getting normal between us.

My fear resurfaced when the doctor informed us about the complications my baby had. The doctor suggested us to abort the baby but I didn't agree  even after my husband insisted. He and my in-laws took care of me during the pregnancy.

My baby was born with genetic defects just like his siblings. My  in-laws were not happy with the baby. My uncle consoled me. My husband was also not very happy with the baby. I just wished that my baby lives a long life.

Days were passing, I was happy seeing my baby growing. We also held a naming ceremony for my baby. Seeing my baby having malformed limbs,  few of our relatives consoled me and asked me to take care of the baby. But few taunted me and my baby for his disorders.

We named our child as "Shiva". We  always wanted to name our first child as Shiva as it was my father's name.

After the naming ceremony, my husband looked very worried and I asked him if he was fine to which he didn't say a word but hugged me tightly.

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