State of Grace | ONGOING

Chapter 10

I was sitting at my desk, pretending to be focused on homework, but actually just waiting with baited breath for Sunny to come home from her not-date with Theo, when my phone rang. I flinched at the name that displayed across the top of my phone and swiped quickly to pick up the call from my mom.

"Bonjour maman," I said sweetly to the image of her that popped up on Facetime.

"Bonjour mon ange," my mother cooed back at me, and I chuckled slightly. "Comment ça va?"

"Ça va bien," I replied easily. "Busy with homework already," I switched to English, "Senior year is probably going to kill me."

"I'm sure you're going to do amazing," my mom's slightly accented English came back reassuringly through the phone as she smiled at me. She'd moved to the States with my grandparents when she was twelve, old enough to retain the slightest hint of an accent from her mother tongue, and she'd made sure that my brother and I were fluent in French growing up. She'd only spoken to me in French until I was in high school, which had bothered my father to no end.

No more than twenty minutes later, my mother had managed to turn the conversation around from a short rant about pronouns, which I tried to forgive because everything in French has a gendered pronoun, to talking about Gus and his boyfriend.

"It's not that I have a problem with it, of course," she clarified. "I just don't know if posting about it online is a good idea. I mean, what if your grandparents saw it?"

Posting a same-sex relationship online was clearly a sin in her eyes. I knew my family was uneducated on the topic, but it was part of the reason that being in Salem felt more like home than being in Portland. I could be myself with my roommates more than I ever could at home. And I knew my parents liked my roommates but mostly because they had a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy about their sexualities. We kept CJ away from them very strategically. The more ignorant comments my mom made, though, the more stressed and anxious I felt, and I knew that was bleeding into my life now, and every single conversation about Theo.

I couldn't imagine being as open about my sexuality as Theo and Sunny were. Hell, even Bo didn't know I liked girls. Or at least I was pretty sure I liked girls.

I'd come to the conclusion that I wasn't completely straight when I was still in high school and my friends and I had been talking about celebrity crushes and I couldn't think of a single male celebrity to list. But I'd never dated a girl. I'd never even kissed a girl. I'd started dating Bo before I'd even fully come to terms with being queer. It had helped a lot of my anxieties to be in a relationship with him because at least no one would know I was bisexual.

Or I was pretty sure I was bisexual.

It's not like I'd actually tested it.

But once you've taken your third 'Am I Gay?' Buzzfeed quiz at midnight under your covers in your dorm room, you can't be straight.

I closed my eyes and exhaled slowly before speaking. "I post pictures with Bo, how is that different?" I asked. I was careful to toe the line between arguing with her and calmly explaining. She'd never learn anything if we fought, and I didn't want to upset her. She was my mom, even for all her ignorance about the LGBTQ+ community.

"Well–what if their employers saw it?" She continued. "Or if they were trying to rent an apartment and a landlord saw it?"

"I don't think Gus wants to work for a homophobe," I pointed out tiredly. "Or rent from one. Besides, if they get married and have kids someday don't you want to see pictures?" I knew weddings and babies would get to her.

"How would that even work?"

I had to bite my tongue to keep from screaming. She'd managed to ruin even her favorite topic. "Adoption. Surrogacy. Gus is a good guy, he's happy with Peter, just let that be enough." My tone was calm, patient, even if inside I was at war with myself. I hated that I didn't stand up more for Gus, for myself, but it was hard with family.