What The Future Holds

Chapter 2

Brent just looked at me, worrying. I smiled at him, painfully. I think- I think I like him too. It's just I have too many 'What if's' in my mind lately. Nothing really changed after he asked me out.

"Ysha and Brent looked like a Buy 1 take 1. HAHAHAHA" Max teased us. Mira and Max are our friends. I think. They invited us to go an amusement park.

"Wherever Ysha will go, you'll too. Noh?" Mira asked Brent. He just nodded with puppy eyes. "Brent looked like a tail ni Ysha!" Max laughed too hard that he coughed. "Maybe pati sa kabaong, you'll go there with her?" he added. Brent asked him "Puwede ba dalawa sa kabaong?" All of them laughed when he said it. It was amusing to me when all the words he says were in the story of Via and Arkin.

Every night. Every day. I started to ask myself if I deserve to be happy. Brent patiently waits for my answer that I don't even know what to answer. Overthinking became my hobby these days.

I can't love someone if I can't even love myself.

Traumas that weren't solved. Trust issues that can't recover. Self confidence that can't achieve. I can't even move on because of my pasts. How come can I protect him at all costs?

I was afraid. Afraid to commit. Told him that maybe... maybe he was just confused about love. Told him to find someone else. Many days later, "Maybe you're right, Ysha. Maybe I was just confused." Ever since he told me that, things were never the same. I came back to my old self. Selfish. Arrogant. Prone to giving up my life.

One day, I saw him. Crying. I looked at him coldly. Doesn't know how to react. My god, Ysha! Look what have you done!? I was so mad at myself, but I walk towards him. "Sorry, Brent." He just looked at me reflecting his eyes full of pain and agony. "I waited more than 10 years..." "10 years..." he repeated.

"I gave up my life for you. To stay with you" When those words came out from him, I felt guilty. Told him to stop thinking about me because love will just hurt you.

Why do I always stop him from thriving? Why do I always project my scars to him?

I remembered how Via told Arkin that. "Sorry, brent... Sorry kung masakit ako magmahal..." I cried when he just looked at me like how he knew how deep the words I said. I'm always afraid what the future holds.

Kaya siguro wala akong parangarap... because I never cared about my future. I was worrying about my past. The past that won't let me see the future. I admit that I was too afraid what the future prepared for me.

I left the Philippines to cope up with everything. I left him. Stayed in Spain for several years. I felt empty. Asking myself, why would I let us, our future... to become Via and Arkin? I had enough...

I don't care anymore... I would love you, Brent. kahit masira ako. Even sirang sira na ako. I would love you. I hate myself doing this... I hate how I love all the people around me more than myself.

I Just want to be happier. What's wrong with that?