Oh god it's back. It's all back and I want it go away so badly. I lay in my bed curled into a tight ball tears streaking down my face. I tried to control my breathing failing at it. I need to stop drowning when I'm not far yet, I know I can get better. I thought sucking in air and shaking.
Next Day
I woke up emotionless. Great, I'll have to fake it again. I stood up quickly making everything fade to black and spinning. When it stopped I grabbed some random clothes and took a shower. I began to pull the brush through my knotted hair when I heard a loud knock. Despite my hair being half normal half a mess I put it in a quick bun and opened the door to see PJ. He stood at the door looking up both hands deep in his sweaters pocket looking nervous. "Hi?" I asked wondering why he was here. He looked startled but stepped closer, so I could smell his breath. "Helloo!" He smiled a devilish grin. "Not to be rude but.." He smiled and gave a small jump "I was on your street and I was bored so I knocked..." He admitted and I began to laugh. "That's... Nice. Come in!" I called opening the door wide for him. My house was an absolute mess. Books and paper littered the hardwood floor, a large couch was covered in papers from uni. The kitchen was just a small area filled with pots and pans. "Clean house, ay?" He said sarcastically. "Yeah, I'm a clean person as you can see." I responded motioning I the papers. "What's this?" He asked picking up a medical paper about what can go wrong with sperm. "Er... Yeah... Medical school!" I said awkwardly as he nervously put the paper down. "Um.. That was a nice bit of information?" He asked trying to lighten I laughed "indeed!" I yelled jumping. "What do you want to do?" I asked genuinely happy. "Make a video?" He asked. "Yes! Let's make a creepy weird video." I told him excited.
PJS POV
She began to cut a piece of wood with a saw her tongue sticking out. She was so cute, even when she was maniacally murdering a price of wood. "Woah! Don't kill it." I joked. She raised her eyebrows and then smacked it with the saw causing it to break. "Yay!" She shouted happily. "Next piece, prepare to die ya damn wood!" She yelled. I put my hand on her shoulder longing to hold her closer. "Why don't you sand it instead?" I asked taking the saw away. "Kay." She replied taking a sand paper and sliding it across the wood. She looked up a little while later and stared at me cutting the wood. I looked up too and it became awkward for a while before she began to go back to work. I couldn't help but admire the way she worked, her tongue stuck out of her mouth her eyebrows together. "Done!" She announced smiling and holding up a small piece of wood proudly. "Beautiful! What color should we paint it?" I responded. She thought for a second " a dark green!" She blurted out before placing it down and running out of her garage where we were working. She returned with a giant tin of green paint, grey paint, red paint and black paint. She then pulled out a large empty can and began to mix them. I shrugged and began to saw again until the wood fell away and I got up to sand it. Something gooey and wet slid across my arm making me jump. I looked down to find a streak of grey paint across my arm. We had a paint fight and every time we touched my stomach would do flip.
2 weeks later Alice's POV
"Hey Peej, wanna come over today? Dan wanted to film a fantastic foursome video..." I told him over the phone as I played with a piece of string. "Sure what time?" He asked absent mindlessly. "I think 10:00?" I said. He agreed and I hung up driving to Dan and Phil's flat. "Hello!" I called walking in the unlocked door. Dan sat on the couch with his phone smiling while Phil yelled at sonic. "Shit up Alice!" Dan called from his computer. "Such a great brother Dan..." I said walking up to him. "I'm doing a liveshow.." He told me "hey people!" I called sticking out my hand. Comments came in
-what is that ugly thing?
-how can someone so ugly be related to Dan
- guys shut up she's beautiful
- woah Dan! There's an ogre in your house.
We're a few. I bit my lip to hold back tears and gave a thumbs up before walking to dans room and falling on his bed. I soon heard the door open again. "You should really lock your door guys.." PJs voice came in. I didn't feel like getting up though. Dan stood in the doorway. "Some fans are real dicks, c'mon let's have lunch." He said his head leaned against the wall. I stood up and walked to the kitchen where Phil and PJ were enjoying themselves and cooking. "Chris is on his way!" Phil turned winking at me. "God Phil! I don't have a crush on Chris!" PJs face dropped but he faked a smile. "Oh. Then who is it? I know you like someone!" He yelled skipping towards me. "Phiil stop!" I screamed jokingly. "Oo I bet it's Peej, isn't it? Or maybe it's actually Carrie and you-" PJ and I were blushing like crazy now. "I'm not a lesbian, Phil." He smiled at my embarrassed expression before running back to the kitchen. It was silent between Peej and I. "Lunch is complete!" Dan called leaning out. I faked a smile and sat down with a plate of pasta. I pushed it around and took a few bites. Dan seemed o notice as he kept looking over at me. "Fine Dan.." I said under my breath. Finally it was over and is eaten only about 5 bites.
PJs POV
Alice wasn't eating much, and she was the first to leave the table. We all joined her on the couches and Chris had been held late. "I'm going to go get some tea." I announced walking away and turning on the hot tap. I began to make it when I heard Dans voice "shh, it's okay, calm down Alice, calm down Ally your alright." I walked in to see what was happening to find Dan hugging Alice tightly while she remained rigid in place practically shaking with fear and whimpering. "Alice, come on. It's okay, listen to me." He begged seeming more and more scared, but she still remained frozen seemingly in a fear and panic. Finally I heard a noise of a whimpering puppy and she began to hug Dan tightly. I was so confused standing awkwardly, Phil seemed confused too. Alice wasn't talking, rather she was playing with a random piece of string and not paying attention. "Alice!" Dan called annoyed she looked up front her string "hmm?" She said innocently the noise so warm and perfect. "I think your addicted to string..." He laughed pulling it away. "DAN!" She called angrily before they realized we were still here. "Oh..." Alice said looking up before grabbing the string out of Dans had and creating knots without looking. "So uh... Yeah?" She said obviously not wanting to explain anything. "What happened?" Phil asked worriedly. "I just.. Sometimes- I kind of just- Dan?" She said not wanting to explain. "Alice has panic attacks and stuff sometimes." Dan said quickly making Alice smile "yup!" She agreed. Phil and I stood silently. Alice stood up, and walked towards me, pulling me to the couch. "So that video you wanted to make?" She asked trying to make it less awkward. "Right!" I agreed and Phil nodded. "Kay, I'm going in my room, have fun but don't die." She yelled closing the guest room door behind her. I began to start the video, wondering what Alice was doing in her room. I like her so much that it hurts, every time I see her my stomach flips and I just want to kiss her. Her personality and looks, humor and quirks, I like everything about her. After about 2 hours straight of filming with Chris, Phil, Dan and I it was 6:00. "Could someone ask Ally what she wants for dinner?" Dan asked from the kitchen "I will!" I shouted and knocked on her door. "Come in!" She sang. She was sitting on her bed with her laptop. "Hey." She greeted closing the computer. I waved and asked what she wanted for dinner. "I don't know what do you like?" She asked never taking her eyes off of mine. We stood right next to each other, dangerously close. I was caught up in the moment and pushed a piece of hair from her face. I leant in and kissed her. It was perfect, for the few seconds it lasted. "I... Uh... I have to go" she stuttered quickly. She stepped backwards and then ran out the door. Oh fuck, what did I just do? I put my hand to my lips. I just ruined not only a relationship but also a friendship and maybe Dan and I's friendship too. I opened the door. "Dan I forgot I need to go.." I said quickly and opened the door to leave. Before anyone could stop me I was running sweater less in the rain to my house. I skidded to a stop and threw the door open stomping to my room and collapsing in my bed. I hit my head against my pillow for my idiotic mess. Jamie walked in "you alright Peej, you seem..." He stopped mid sentence. "I'm fine." I lied and fell back on my bed. He stood up and left leaving me to myself.
