Lilly-Anne's Roses

Chapter 4 - Bargaining

I twirled the 7th rose in between my fingertips, dew spewing from all around leaving droplets on my sleeves. I brought the flower up to my nose and breathed in, taking in the sweet smell of spring. I had counted the hours till nightfall with impatience, trying my best not to let myself sink deeper into my own sadness.

I tried not to think about how she did it in the end, but it was impossible not to. Was it in her sleep? Was it quick? Did she suffer? Did she regret it in the moment? Was she happy?

Where was I?

All these thoughts filtered through my mind when she finally appeared. She was wearing a dark blue tunic, her hair still held up in a messy bun. An orange bandana framed her hair, leaving two long pieces around her face. 

She was sat on the bench outside my door, spinning her bracelet, lost in her thoughts. I watched her for only a minute before she noticed my gaze, "my sweet girl," she whispered, still looking onwards past the chestnut, "come here darling". She beckoned me over, her hand touching the space to her right. 

I didn't resist this time, I simply obliged and sat near her, my eyes now also fixed on the chestnut swaying in the night.

We stayed in mutual silence, both of us lost for words. Her hand had found mine and occasionally squeezed my fingers closer to her. I never wanted this moment to end.

"Why didn't you tell me you were struggling?"

I broke the silence and yet she continued to keep her eyes off mine. "Why didn't you talk to me, or to someone about it? I could have helped you if I had known that you were feeling suffocated by your own grief. We could have leaned on each other instead of co-existing in the same neutral environment that we used to once call home."

"Sometimes that isn't enough Lily-Anne," she held onto my hand gently caressing my knuckles in circles, "I don't know how else I can explain it to you to make you understand that there is nothing you could have done for things to have ended up differently.

 You were just a child."

She had turned towards me, her hand now cradled my face as she brought her forehead to mine, 

"I have never stopped loving you". I felt a tear leave my eye, my breathing wavering slightly.

"Did you know that I used to sit outside your door, listening to you cry yourself to sleep? Do you know how hard it was for me to listen to the strongest person I know in this position? It was devastating." I could feel myself getting upset again.

The air was getting cooler, stars beginning to peak out from under the clouds ,"And now that I finally get you back, I have to remind myself that in a few days you'll be gone again". 

She brought me into her, hugging me deeply as she spoke the words I have been unknowingly waiting to hear ever since I had first heard that my mother was no longer coming home, "It wasn't your fault."

"But if I had noticed early enough, perhaps I could have convinced you to live, or-"

"It wasn't your fault," she held me tighter.

"Did I say something that made you decide to finally go through with it? Did I do something to bring you over the--"

She brought me even closer, "Lilly-Anne, it was not your fault. It was not then, it is not now, and it never will be". She was caressing my hair in rhythmic motions, repeating the same sentence over and over.

I brought my face into the crevice of her neck, burrowing my eyes into her, "okay but then why does it hurt so much?"

I could tell she was thinking carefully of how to respond. She brought her lips to my ear, kissing the side of my head on the way, "maybe because you never allowed yourself to feel sad about my death."

I shrugged my shoulders, the smell of vanilla tickling my senses, "yeah...maybe." With that, I stayed still, holding onto my mother, until I could no longer feel her near me. 

I straightened myself up and before going back inside, I whispered into the night hoping she could somehow hear me, "or maybe it was because when you decided to fix your heart, you broke mine in passing." 

 ******

Only 3 more chapters before Lilly-Anne runs out of flowers and her story ends! This chapter left me a little emotional thinking about all the people I have lost in my lifetime. 

Have you ever been plagued by what if's? How did you overcome these negative thoughts?

The Spring fiesta contest closes tomorrow, so I will be posting quickly up until then so stay tuned for Chapter 5 - Depression

Again, feel free to leave a comment or a vote, I appreciate any advice or support, even if it is just to say Hello :)

xx