Lilly-Anne's Roses

Chapter 6 - Acceptance and Hope

Today feels different.

The warmth of the sun peeks through my curtains teasing my eyes open, enticing me to enter the new day. I feel lighter and more in control, despite there still being darkness within me. I am sad, but today I am also hopeful. I wiggle my feet into my slippers and make my way to shower, finally.

The water aggressively hits my face and I allow myself to cry, my tears indistinguishable next to the droplets falling to the floor. The sound of the shower muffles my own cries, creating a safe space for me to start letting go of my mother. 

Embraced by the steam surrounding me, I whisper once more to myself the words that had liberated me the night before, "I forgive you". 

Those three words might seem insignificant now, but in that moment, they had meant everything.

I believe that forgiving my mother last night was a sign of strength. 

Forgiving my mother was important. 

Forgiving my mother was the hardest thing I have yet to do.

I step outside of my house, feeling the cold morning air caress my fresh, curly hair. I slowly walk up my street before taking a turn towards the familiar green flower shop. Last time I was here, I left angry and hurt. This time, I was feeling thankful. 

Miss B was standing by the door, facing the sun. It almost seemed as if she had been expecting me. "Miss Lilly-Anne, how are your roses?" She smiled as I went up the steps, entering the shop next to her. 

"There are only two left. I don't know what to do, I don't want them to be gone." She sighed quietly, "keep one of them alive". I looked at her confused, unaware of this being a possibility, "what do you mean?"

She led me back to her kitchen, only this time she continued past the open back doors. She stopped once she reached a small rosebush, with one glowing white flower still sparkling in the light, "when Mr. B died, I was going through the same wave of emotions as you Lilly-Anne.

One morning, a small brown box appeared on my doorstep and inside there were three packets of seeds. Naturally, curiosity got the best of me, and I quickly went to plant the first seeds, not thinking too much about the peculiar shape, or the ivory glow that I saw before me." 

She carefully pruned branches around the rose, caressing a petal in passing. "I don't have to tell you what happened next," she smiled softly.

"Who came for you?" I asked cautiously, not wanting to overstep.

"My husband showed up. Belly hanging out of his blue jeans covered by one of the flannels I would always tease him about. I was shocked at first, but then I spent the week dancing, crying, and simply remembering what it felt to be alive. By the end, I felt ready to attack the next chapter of my life. 

However, I never could bring myself to cut the last rose. Although I had let him go, I needed the possibility to see him one last time to propel me through the years without him."

I carefully took in everything she had just shared, feeling closer to Miss. B now that I knew we had had shared experiences. I felt comfort in knowing that I was not alone. 

"You said you had three packets, who did you give the second one to?" I already knew the answer but needed her to say it out loud, picturing the rose bush that I had never been able to revive in my garden.

"I gave it to your mother, Lilly-Anne, when your father passed away. I thought it would help her, just as I believe the roses helped you. I am sorry that it didn't work for her. I sometimes wonder if allowing her to spend those last moments with your father shattered her..." Miss. B's voice shook as her shoulders bent forward, she was trying to hide her tears but to no avail.

She seemed so small in that moment, crumbling under the weight of her guilt. I stepped forward and held onto her hands, "forgive yourself," I whisper to her. Her eyes catch mine, "I don't imagine I could ever do such a thing." I grab her tightly, wrapping my arms around her frail body, like my mother had done for me, "It was not your fault Miss B." She let out a small cry, grabbing onto my shirt, letting herself release the guilt that she had been holding onto all these years, "it was not your fault".

***

I left Miss. B's house feeling stronger than I have in a while. I was ready to say goodbye to my mother, something I couldn't do the night of her death. 

The hours went by quickly and before I knew it the sun was setting, leaving the night to the moon above. I stood before the last two roses, having decided earlier that I was going to leave one behind, just as I had seen in Miss. B's garden, more as a reminder of a possible future moment instead of as a symbol of me holding onto the past.

"Here we go," I say to myself as I choose my final rose. 

The energy surged through my fingertips as I outlined the thorns on the side of the stem, the deep blue glowing stronger than before. I pause only for a moment, letting the scissors hover, before closing my fingers together.

Snip.

I called to my mother, waiting for her to appear, "I'll be waiting right here for you," I say as I sit on the bench. A few moments go by and there she is, a slight blue aura surrounding her. She looked relaxed as she made her way towards me, taking the seat to my left, "this is the last one, isn't it?" she said, taking my hand.

"Yes, the last one for now at least." I quickly glance at the remaining rose, its blue light burning bright against the midnight sky, "I am glad it was you who showed up that first night."

She looked over, placing a loose strand of my hair behind my ear, "so am I".

Sat on the bench we spent the next hour talking about everything that she had missed these last few years. We laughed, we cried, and we showed each other how much we cared for one another.

I was able to spend one final hour as a daughter, before my mother spoke for the last time.

"I need you to continue living for you. I need you to wake up every morning grateful for another day. I want you to move past this and create something beautiful, which I know you will one day. Call it mother's intuition or simply my gut feeling. I want you to love and to be loved. I need you to grab each day and hold it tight. I want you to do more than just exist, you must live with everything you have. Feel everything but never look back because you just might miss the beautiful world that is right ahead. I know I did. Promise me you will do this Lilly-Anne, promise me that you will live."

Tears streamed down my face, but I managed to nod my head yes in response, watching as she faded away. "I love you so much, I wish you didn't have to go," I whisper.

"And I love you," she replied, before disappearing for the last time.

Feel everything but never look back because you just might miss the beautiful world that is right ahead...Promise me that you will live.

With her words echoing in my mind, I stand up facing the last rose and proudly state, "I promise mom". Then, with one final glance back, I turn towards the world and take a step forward.

**** 

I decided that this was where I wanted to end Lilly-Anne's story as it felt more natural. Thank you for joining me on this journey through grief, ultimately leading to a better day. I hope you enjoyed reading this just as much as I enjoyed writing it. 

How are you feeling now?

Are you living or simply existing?

Share your thoughts and maybe we can continue healing together... 

xx