Broken smiles

Chapter one

TW: Eating disorders, forced puking

I wake up in my study hall to the sound of Jayson hitting me on the head with a pencil
"What the hell do u want" I say half annoyed at him waking me up and half still scared from the memory I just had that still haunts me to this day.
"You got any food on you?" Jayson says
I shouldn't be surprised it's 6th period study hall and we have 7th period lunch so everyone is usually hungry by now
I toss Jayson a can of Pringles and say "Here now leave me alone"
To be honest I didn't want to be alone in my thoughts but the world had showed me it's better to be alone than to trust anyone unless u want to get hurt.
I had been hurt too many times before so I was hesitant about social interaction let alone trying to make new friends but people are crazy and I made new friends this year I was able to keep most of them at a distance except for Jer
Jer was a kid I met who had Spanish with me he was crazy but always cared and would find the most insane ways to light up a room and just make everything better.
When I first met him I thought I had a crush on him but realized I loved him more like a brother.
When the bell for the end of study hall ended my English teacher who was running the study hall called me up to her desk
"Hey Kay u look exhausted today are u ok?" She asked me her voice one filled with sympathy and slight worry
"Yeah I'm fine just tried" I replied making sure to throw in one of my signature smiles just got make sure she would believe me which seemed to work as she let me head to lunch
As I entered the cafeteria I saw Jer already at a table and sat down with him careful to make sure my relapse marks were still completely covered with my hoodie as to make sure he didn't question anything
I felt hurt on the inside but this smile was stuck to my face like glue forcing me to hide behind it trying to pull it off and feel any other emotion for even just a minute but the only thing I could feel for the most part is that fake happiness and I'm forced to watch as it takes over and leaves a hole in myself
"Guess who has a game today!" Jer says excitedly almost wanting to jump out of his chair
He was on the JV baseball team and game days always meant the world to him
"Idk tell me" I reply using a bit of sarcasm even though I already knew what the answer was
"Me! You know this! Have u not been paying attention to me?" He replied a bit of skepticism lingering towards the end
"I have been don't worry" I reply half faking a smile even though my face is starting to hurt from all the fake smiles and positivity
"Are u gonna eat anything" he asked me with a bit of worry
"No I'm not that hungry" I reply Jer clearly not believing me as he reaches for his backpack and pulls out a lucky charms cereal bar and then tosses it to me.
"Here eat this we aren't leaving until u do" he says his tone more serious then before but still a sense of caring in it
He was one of the few people who knew about my situation at home and that was because he accidentally triggered me then found out on a phone call when I was scared and called him as a last resort when I didn't know what else to do. He's told me multiple times it's not healthy environment to grow up in but I've always found it's better than being alone or without another family member.
I took one bite of the bar wanting to throw up because I knew I was gonna gain weight if I ate it. But I continued promising myself I'd remove it before class
By the time I finished the bar it was the end of class. Jer asked if I was ready to go to which I replied that I would see him later as I had to use the bathroom
I walked over to the bathroom leaving my backpack on a chair outside
Before starting I looked around to make sure no one was inside of the bathroom with me as I didn't want to have any witnesses for what I was about to do to myself.
I put two fingers down my throat reminding myself I deserved this
*Gag*
I needed to do this
*Gag*
It felt weird but I knew it was for the best and with one final
*Gag*
All of that bar came right back up
Yes my throat burned but I had told myself that this was right and this was what I deserved and that I deserved this
I went to wash my hands and realized part of my sleeve was rolled up revealing a few cuts I had given myself the night prior I quickly went into my purse and wrapped the cuts making it seem as if they weren't there.
"Shit" I mumbled wondering if Jer had seen the cuts and decided not to say anything.
I looked at myself in the mirror counting out all the imperfections I could see I counted 20 in total and told myself I needed to fix all of them which I knew needed to be done
Before leaving the bathroom I looked in the mirror one time and tears started to fall down my face but I threw on a fake smile trying to pretend the world was ok and that I was the thing messing it up.
I went outside and took my backpack and headed to my 8th period