tw : implied child abuse.
its 11 pm and I'm thinking. thinking, thinking, thinking, and trying to cope.
this is dedicated to gia. the strongest person ever. <3 i love you.
They say he loves you so much,
and you know.
You are four years old,
and you know he loves you more than anything,
more than the priesthood,
more than his pride,
and you don't know that he wishes you understood
that he gave those up for you,
for the love he puts inside
you.
They say he is a good father,
and you know.
You are eleven years old and you are no farther
than a beds-width from him at all times
and you know it is because he loves you.
Sometimes
you stare at the girl in the fire alarm,
and you wish she would scream
because maybe this would twist his arm,
would keep him
from loving you so much.
But he is a good father,
he loves you, so you retch,
you hate yourself, and you watch
the girl in the fire alarm blink
in silence,
in condemnation of your sin.
They say they wish your father was theirs,
and you put on airs,
because you are thirteen years old
and you are not stupid anymore.
You know that he loves you.
You know that love is what fathers do,
just as you know that since you are homeschooled,
it is his duty to teach you.
He stays up late for you, and he instructs you in everything.
After all,
when you were four years old,
you'd didn't know what a pedophile was.
When you were eleven years old,
you didn't know what sex was.
When you were twelve,
you didn't know what pornography was.
But he loves you.
So he spent the night, and he taught you.
That's what fathers do, after all,
they teach and they show you love until you are full--
of knowledge and pure white love both;
aren't you grateful?
They wish they had fathers who loved them this much.
They say he loves you so much.
You wonder why this is the FBI's business,
why the Church takes interest.
They say he loves you so much.
They say this is why they take the priesthood from him,
why they take him to court.
But he loves you so much,
so they acquit him, of course,
and he still doesn't quit
loving you.
Oh,
aren't you so grateful?
(They say he loves you so much,
and you know.
You are fourteen years old,
and you know that this is exactly
the problem.)
