𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄, 𝐎𝐑 𝐍𝐎𝐓

introduction

SCARAMOUCHE'S POV:

i look up at the ceiling and stare at blank space while putting on my white headphones and thinking of him. yes, him, the "love of my life", but.. is he?

i giggled as childe tells a joke which broke our tension right after completed a fatui mission. "ding!" the device in my hand vibrated. i looked down at the notification, and my face lit up. "he texted me!" i tapped on the notification hurriedly. is this love? is it just a part of adolescence and growing up?

i held my phone with two hands and started typing. at this moment, i was oblivious of my surroundings and fully concentrated on my screen. "hey ? earth to ******" one of my partners frowned, and a "texting ******?" followed up with a .. definitely not a relieved sigh, but a "stop texting him" sigh. should this be acknowledged, i ignored him.

                                   ******
hey, im bored.. did
you finish your task
already?

yeah!

i know our conversation was quite dry, but i enjoy the time spent texting him. whenever a notification pops up on my screen and its his message, id instantly reply. why do i feel this way? love? "i dont believe in real love. and even if i do love him, ill just end up suffering." i muttered under my breath while walking to the campsite to rest. "love is a waste of time. plus, its probably infatuation or just me liking the attention he gives me" is that true?

sometimes, i think about how love impacts our life. maybe "love" is too strong of a word, but "like" doesn't seem affectionate enough when you really love someone.

i curl up in my bed feeling helpless. ive never felt this way around others before. that fast-beating heart, butterflies in my stomach, being unable to act like myself around him because my brain tells me to "act perfect" around him, wanting to text him and go out with him 24/7, wanting to hear his reassuring voice. why? is it because he's different from my other friends?

"argh" i groaned. ill just sleep and not think about it.

songs reach a part of you where words can't. whenever i listen to songs, it'd remind me of him.

am i obsessed with him? isn't that just creepy? why am i seeing so many red flags in him but ignore it? this is what they call love?

love is blind.

the act of loving is easy,
but isn't love just cheesy?
honestly, this feeling makes me uneasy,
however aren't i just greedy for more?
the act of loving is simple to achieve,
but love isn't something for me to believe.
thinking of love just makes me want to grieve,
but because of love, oh am i so easily decieved.

maybe love isn't so bad afterall, but im too scared to confess to the one who had taken my heart. i simply just don't have the face and courage to. "he doesnt like me, stop." always ringing in my head, but my headphones just block those thoughts that gives me a feeling of dread.