B.D.S.M. (MxW)

The Breaking

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*** Karis' POV***

Christopher hadn't contacted me. He hadn't spent countless hours blowing up my phone. No messages, no reminders, nothing came from someone who had put so much effort into hurting me, controlling me and molding me into his vision of a perfect wife.

However, that didn't stop the pain. The memories replayed. His words echoed in my head, bouncing loudly as a painful reminder of everything I had given up just to make this person happier than I would ever feel.

Days went by that turned into weeks. I couldn't shake the feeling that I wanted, needed to get it all off of my chest. I couldn't rest knowing that he was not completely exposed to the depths of the scars he so easily inflicted upon my soul.

I fought every moment with myself on the reasons that I should or should not do this. When the reasons mirrored one another, I knew there was only one choice to make. I had to choose me.

So I did.

I wouldn't ever be able to fully allow Vance in if I didn't face the demons that were pinning my hands behind my back. I needed to let it all out, once and for all. I had to finally speak up against the abuse that was so much more than had Christopher just laid me out with his fist.

The matter felt like life and death, spiritually. I would perish in turmoil, letting anxiety be my guide, if I did not face the giant that lurked behind me. I was at an impasse. It was time to follow the only path that made sense for my own happiness.

With so much playing on my mind, I decide to put pen to paper.

As I sit at my dining table, I begin to release my pain into words that may or may not make an impression on someone I once loved with blind ambition.

It will not matter if my ex-husband even opens the envelope. All that matters is that I finally stand up to him. It may seem as if it is the cowards way out, writing instead of speaking. However, we know our personal limits. This is as far as I can reach without being drowned in the thrashing waves of my past.

Christopher,

I'm learning how to live. After all this time, the broken pieces feel so much like home. Every word, every inflection and each time you took more of me than I could afford to give, you chiseled away at who I was. You made me who I have become. So let me sit here in all my broken glory with a mangled heart, shattered dreams, tattered edges and parting seams. Give me time to breathe. Let me let go of the you that I hoped you could be. Give me space to finally reach in, gather what is left of me and put me back together piece by tiny piece. When your words come back around, I pray I can deflect the pain that they have always caused. While I was busy building you up, you were praying I would fall. Your narcissistic tendencies gave you everything while draining me. My empath soul desired to fill your every empty space. Your selfishness was rewarded with my golden heart's grace. You buried your claws so deep inside when it came time to run I had no where left to hide. I fought myself on things I knew to be true just so I could see the good inside of you. I pushed away the parts of me that I felt as if you couldn't bear to see. You gave me no opening to let you in when you closed me out, left me to fend off the demons that resided inside, you smiled while all I could do was cry. For years I knew that it was me. I was the problem, the source of animosity. Between me and you, I had no choice but to accept that I was the one who couldn't be pleased. You said things that broke the hope I had. When I argued my case that made you mad. Changing the rules as I finally learned to play the game, you made me feel as though I was insane. So if it is but a dream that one day a man could come in and help me feel less pain, if painting pictures of love so free that someone could love me just because I am me, if thinking that somewhere out there is another soul who could wash away the tears replacing them with love unknown, then let me dream. Let me close my eyes and partake of a world filled with my own fantasies. Because living inside this hell you painted as my only hope, is the reason I finally found the strength to go. With all my broken pieces and tiny fissure scars I hold my head up high, knowing that everything I ever wanted was nothing I left behind.