04
Paulit-ulit ko nalang babalikan ang nakaraan nating malabo nang madagdagan.
—
"Nagkita kami kanina ni Levan..." Kuwento ko kay Elaine nang kinabukasan ay muli akong bumisita sa coffee shop n'ya.
Nanlaki ang mata ng kaibigan ko at halos maibuga ang iniinom na kape.
Ngumiti ako nang mapait at nagbaba ng tingin sa kamay kong nasa lamesa.
"I couldn't believe that after a few years I saw him again. But it's not really impossible, right? We're living in the same city. Their law firm isn't really far from here. I knew we'd see each other, even after what happened, because we're literally in the same country."
But I didn't expect to see him yesterday.
Even though I know there is a big possibility we could see each other anytime, I'm still shocked and didn't expect it.
Tumango-tango si Elaine. "Pero kahapon lang ulit kayo nagkita, 'di ba? After no'ng nangyari noon?"
Tumango ako sa kanya.
Elaine sat properly in her chair. "Paano kayo nagkita?"
"Pasyente ko 'yung anak ng kapatid niya kahapon. Akala ko nga sa kanyang anak 'yon, eh."
I chuckled, but the looks that Elaine gave me were so sad and worried. She doesn't smile or even laugh with me.
"Are you okay?"
I stopped chuckling and just plastered a small smile on my lips.
"I'm still not okay, Elaine." I told her honestly. "Even after years I'm still not okay."
Tumango s'ya at hinawan ang kamay ko sa ibabaw ng lamesa.
Tumungo ako. Nangilid ang luha ko at ilang beses na huminga ng malalim. Pinilit ko ang sarili kong huwag umiyak.
Baka bigla kaming pagtinginan dito ng mga customer n'ya.
"B-Buti nga hindi niya kasama 'yung girlfriend n'ya kahapon..." Nabasag ang boses ko.
"Ivelle..."
"Kaya inisip ko na anak n'ya 'yung kasama n'ya kahapon dahil hindi naman malabo... Malay ko bang 'yung pangarap namin noon, sa iba n'ya na talaga matupad."
Even though I tried to stop my tears, I couldn't hold them anymore. I'm crying now, and all I could do was to cover my face with my palm.
I heard Elaine stand up and felt her hug me from my side.
"T-There's a big chance that he'll be happy with someone else now and continue the things we planned before with the new one, especially now that he's got a new girl... But I'm still here. I'm still stuck in our past and I'm still not ready to move on. "
I sobbed.
Elaine hugged me tight. My tears won't stop falling. I've been crying since last night. Hindi pa rin naubos ang luha ko kagabi. Umiiyak pa rin ako hanggang ngayon.
"I s-should move on... Isang taon na sila ng bago n'ya. Isang taon ko na dapat tinanggap na wala na talaga. P-Pero hindi ko magawa. Patuloy akong naghihintay sa kanya."
Umiling ako. "Naghihinatay akong bumalik s'ya saakin kahit ako naman ang tumapos saamin..."
"I told you," Elaine whispered. "Stopped blaming yourself for choosing yourself that time..."
"Kung hindi ko naman pinili ang sarili ko hindi s'ya mapupunta sa iba-" Agad na pinutol ni Elaine ang gusto kong sabihin.
"Kung hindi mo pinili ang sarili mo, hindi ka nandito ngayon."
