I'd Leave It All

Home

The moment I get in the car, shivering without my coat, Ben knows something is wrong. He playfully prods for details, trying to cheer me up, and instead I snap at him. I know my anger is misdirected. I know I'm furious at me.

What is it that I love about Ben? He's funny, and thoughtful, and devoted. He puts up with my craziness. He's always there for me. But I have never, ever, not even right back in the beginning when we were both fresh and new, never once reacted like this to him. Never been tongue tied. Or felt my pulse actually race. I have always thought that was just a figure of speech.

What do people do when this happens? When you realise that through non fault of anyone you are simply not in love anymore with the person you love.

I had a person I thought was my One before in Cameron and he wasn't. I was so certain he was it we got married, and look how that turned out. Is Ben my One? Is there no One, and just a Right Now? If I can feel giddy about someone else can he possibly be either?

"Just tell me if you're alright, and I'll wait until you're ready to talk ok?"

"Fine."

"Fine."

Ben puts his hand on my thigh and I don't place mine on his like I normally do. After a minute he takes it back again.

When I met Ben I wasn't looking for anyone new and actively resisted him. I was at a real low point and turned him down countless times but he was adorably insistent and wore me down. We dated. My friends loved him. My family loved him. Being with him was easy. Is that why we're together? Did I settle? Did he?

We spend the whole drive is silence, me faced to the window watching the city lights fade away as we headed home.

The silence continues on the walk in from the carport. I can tell that he wants me to explain what's happening but I my thoughts are a mess and I wouldn't have any idea where to begin. Ben puts the TV on but I can't just sit on the lounge with him right now. Instead, I head for the kitchen for a glass of water.

Is it normal for people to be attracted to people who aren't their partners? Ultimately that was the reason behind my divorce. Cameron was attracted to other people. Many times. In our home. But can a brief attraction just be fleeting? Is there coming back from that?

Thinking about it is making me confused and miserable.

"I'm going to have a shower and go to bed. Are you coming?"

"No, not yet." He doesn't look away from the screen.

Hours later when I wake up the perfectly straight doona tells me he still hadn't come to bed. Dragging myself out from the covers I venture to the living room to find him but he's not there. The TV is off, and his running gear is missing.

The relief flooding through me at not having to talk to him yet is overwhelming. I don't want to have to explain myself to him. I don't feel the need to include him in my thought process right now. This isn't even about John anymore. Maybe my middle of the night musings of leaving him were more than just being tired. Could we actually be over?

My phone vibrates on the kitchen counter and I pick it up to see if it's him, knowing full well it won't be. Instead there is a message from Amy.

Where did you go last night? That singer waited for you to come back.

My stomach flips thinking about John following me to the bathroom last night. I may be confused, but that doesn't change the fact I was flattered by his attention.

I wasn't feeling well, Ben picked me up.

Oh, you guys are still together?