Why Choose Halaal?

Everyone is Doing it

Chapter 5

I slept late that night. That post bothered me a lot. I was thinking ... what if I and habib wasnt really meant to be together? To be husband and wife? He might have said that we are already sure of each other but it's for now only. How about tomorrow or next year? Can I control his heart to love just me when I know that only Allah Himself is the Controller of all hearts?

I also thought of being married happily in this world and Hereafter. To be in Jannah was our ultimate goal. We remind one another to do ibadah to get us to Jannah. But if we are committing a Haram relationship, then we are doomed. All our efforts will be in vain.

"Get married." I could hear my sister fid deen's voice. It was the only solution to be sure. But thinking how habibi was reacting recently, I guessed the chance was thin.

I started conducting my own research on the matter. Maybe there's something that I can avoid that will make things lighter and less Haram.

"That a man get struck with an iron needle in his head is better for him than that he touches a woman that is not permissible for him (to touch)." (Tabaraanee)

"When a man meets a woman alone, then the third with them is Shaytan (to seduce them)." (Tirmidhi)

"Do not go (to meet) women (when their husbands or mahrams are not with them). Indeed, the Shaytan runs (close to you to seduce you) like blood running in veins." (Tirmidhi)

I felt weak. Reading these ahadith during my research made me realize that there was no way that I can circumvent Allah's laws. Avoid touching? Habibi's embrace was my home. Do not be alone with a non-Mahram? How else could I then spend time with him?

Subhanallah. Now this dilemma is really eating my patience. I wanted to stop worrying like what Habibi adviced me. We're happy. I was only looking for problems that can destroy us. I should probably stop but I couldnt! My feelings for habibi never changed a speck but I started worrying for us. Are we really just being deceived by the love we have for each other? 💔

I wanted to save us. And though habibi is against it, it's the best solution for us.

Knock. Knock. Knock. My attention was caught by the noise on my door. The knob turned then I saw my mother's face peeking "Can I come in?"

"Of course, mama." I replied.

She entered my room while staring at my face like she was studying me. She sat at the side of my bed where I was already lying down. "You havent eaten dinner. Are you okay?"

"I'm just not starving, ma." I simply responded.

"That's unusual. Is something bothering you?" My mom insisted.

I sat down. Maybe this is the chance I've been waiting for. May Allah help me.

"There actually is." I stared back at her. "What do you think of habib?"

Her eyebrows met. She was surpised with my question. But she answered anyway. "Hmm... He's a good boy. He got potentials. I wouldnt allow him to stick with you if he isnt."

I smiled. My mom had always supported our relationship. "Do you think he's a husband material?"

She was taken aback. "Honey, isnt it too early for you to think about this?"

"But ma, shouldnt I be thinking about my future? I wouldnt be investing on things or people that will not be good for me, would I?"

Mama nodded in agreement. "Well you are right." Then she paused to think about my question. "Hmm... he has been like a son to me already. I pray that you two will end up with each other."

My smile widen.

"But dont tell me you two are already planning to get married this urgent? Wait! Did something already happen between you?!" Her voice suddenly increased with a shade of anger.

"Astagfirullah. No, ma." I clarified.

"Are you sure?" She met me in the eye.

"Yes. Wallahi." I stared back to prove my innocence.

"Then good. Dont waste your future. It will cost you a lot if you end up as a mother this early."

"I know, ma. But ... how about being a wife only?"

Mama glared at me. "What are you talking about? It's the same thing!"

I shook my head. "Ma, I and habib know our priorities. Building a family of our own is still in the far future. But cant we atleast get married now? I promise I'll still be going to medschool after I graduate nursing. There's nothing to worry about."

"Are you really sure nothing happened between you two? You sound desperate of him."

I was speechless. Am I desperate? It didnt sound good but I knew my intention. I just wanted to ensure a halal relationship.

"Honey, you might be dreaming about being a wife now but getting married is an entirely new world you still know nothing about. Youre too young to get committed to it. Dont jump to it. Enjoy your youth. Your life as a student. Your license. Your medschool inn shaa Allah. Your work. Your salary. Being a wife and a mother are amazing but believe me, I am your mother, now is not yet the perfect time."

I sighed. I understood her point. But ... but... "I just want to stop sinning."

"Sinning?"

"Ma, premarital relationships are Haram. It's like eating pork and drinking liquor. I am sinning as long as I'm keeping Habib. We need to get married asap or else we have to break up."

"That's silly! Everyone's into relationships before marriage. Not just one but multiple. And besides if you dont start on that, how could you get married? Do you want to marry a stranger?"

I shook my head. "No, ma. But ..."

"Enough, honey. No more buts. You should just stop thinking about this okay? There's no problem so dont create one."

I sighed. I didnt know what else to say.

"If ever you get hungry, there are leftovers on the fridge. Good night, honey." Mama planted a kiss on my forehead.

"Good night, Ma."

To be continued ...