In Love with a Tall Girl

Chapter 2

An Original Story by Julia Miller

My name used to be Sandy Clayborne. I was married for 19 years to my wife Karen and raised two children (twins), Tom and Jessica. They were now going to attend college and live away from home. For many years I felt that there was something wrong with me. That everything wasn't right. I always had a hard time liking myself, and if you look in the family photo album, you will rarely see a photo of me, and if you do, you will notice I was never smiling, more like scowling at the camera.

These mental issues seemed to worsen for me as I got older. When I hit 40, I enlisted a psychiatrist's help to determine why I felt the way I did. It was a secret I kept from my wife and family, and I couldn't allow them to know what was going on in my life personally.

After a year of therapy with her, I insisted that she finally talk to me about her findings.

"OK, this isn't usually the way we work, but I will humor you. First off, there is nothing wrong with you. You don't have any psychosis of any kind, but you seem to be questioning your gender. The way you have answered the tests I gave you led me to believe that you may not be comfortable being a man. Quite simply, you may have the self-image that you are a woman in your mind, and your issues could stem from feelings of gender incongruency. The feelings of anguish and the negative opinion you have of yourself could all stem from this issue."

"Wait, what? Are you sure? I don't feel like I am a woman."

"It's not important what I think, and it's how you feel about yourself that counts," she told me, "As a psychiatrist, we usually lead our patients and let themselves discover who they are in life."

"So who am I, Doctor? I honestly don't know at this point."

"Just think back on all the things you have told me over the last year."

I sat back on the couch and wondered why she would say this to me. I remembered all the girlfriends I had when I was younger and never really played with the boys. I played with my sister's barbie dolls too, and I loved dressing them up, but I had already realized I couldn't tell anyone and did it secretly. I remembered being jealous watching my sister be so girly and wear all her frilly clothes, wondering how I would look wearing them, and trying them on when no one else was around. Not to mention I loved using her EZ-bake oven and making cakes with my mom, even wearing an apron, but I found I could get away doing this with Mom.

I remember my childhood was mostly happy, but things turned awful for me when I started changing into a man during puberty. I hated going to the gym since I didn't want big ugly muscles. I hated that I started growing so much body hair, and my voice got so much lower. I hated how tall I became and how masculine I looked. I especially hated what was hanging between my legs. Jesus! It bothered me that I was becoming a man, now that I thought about it.

"Wow, do you think I want to be a woman? That would make me transgender."

"Again, it's not about what I think, Sandy. How do you feel about this?"

"I don't know, but these thoughts have me questioning myself to the core."

"I have an assignment for you, and I was hoping you could check out these links. I will email you. When I see you again, I would like to know your opinion on them."

The doctor sent me an email with several links online and gave me a book to read.

My mind was in a blur when I left her office. Transgender? Me? Was I a woman trapped in a man's body as she suggested? Sure, I was never the most masculine guy out there; I was always thin, never muscular, and I didn't play team sports since I didn't have the body for it.