Something About Him

Where It Started

The sound of the sirens blared in the background, a high pitched wailing piercing my eardrums. Red and white lights blurred my vision, causing a searing headache. The sensory overload numbed my surroundings. I was stuck in a daze. That is, until I saw the paramedics come rolling out of the front door. It was in that moment that I felt the racing of my heart, thumping hard against my ribcage as if it wanted to leap out of my chest. The intense beats left my body stunned. 

Move. I told myself. You have to move. 

But I couldn't. My feet were rooted in the ground beneath me, the soles infused with the pavement. 

MOVE.

I forced a staggered breath from my body releasing myself from the comatose state I was stuck in. It wasn't until I let go and came back to reality that I began to remember everything that transpired. The gunshots. The screams. The pain...It was coming back to me, flooding my mind and body. I jumped up startling the paramedics who stood nearby. "Ma'am, are you okay?" he asked. "Where is he?" I asked frantically. I started walking towards the house. "Okay, everything is going to be okay but we need you to calm down. You're hurt and in shock." he said, trying to restrain me. 

I have to see him. I kept pushing towards the door Dammit I just need to see your face. Please. 

I took another step closer. 

"Ma'am. We need you to calm down please." he said, motioning for assistance. I kept searching in the darkness until I saw him. I waited until they had loosened their grip and darted towards the ambulance. "Someone grab her!" I heard from behind me but I was already there. Everything in me sank when I saw him. There was blood all over his body. His eyes were closed and he was still. My stomach turned and before I knew it, I broke. "No. No no no please. Please get up. Please." I screamed at him. "Ma'am please, you have to let us take him." the paramedics yelled at me. I hadn't realized I was holding his chest. They pried me away from his body and lifted him into the back of the ambulance. I fought to get to him but I was being held by my waist and lifted into the air. I was broken, vulnerable, weak. Everything I worked so hard to stray away from. He had gotten me to this point. And I didn't care. Because the only thing I saw in my mind was him laying there, seemingly lifeless. And that took all life from me. 

The waiting room was cold and eerily calm. I sat alone, still shaking from earlier. Pattering of footsteps, whispered voices, silent cries; they all drummed on and on. I couldn't stop myself from pacing back and forth. His door was inches away from me but I couldn't go in. I couldn't see him like this.

What am I doing? I'm not even supposed to be here.

The longer I waited, the more anxious I became. The conversation I had with the officers kept running through my head.

"Okay can you walk me through this again." he said looking through his notes. "We got to my apartment after dinner. It was probably around 10 something." I started. "And that's when you noticed the lock?" he asked. "No," I stated. "It was after he parked the car. I had to run in the house and get my bag because I was staying at his place. It wasn't until I actually got up to the door and noticed that the lock was broken." I corrected him. "And you went back to the car and notified your boyfriend." "I walked back to the car and notified my fiancé, yes." I said agitated. "Right. Continue." he said. I took a deep breath trying to keep my composure. Normally, I was level headed but his constant interruptions under the circumstances were driving my crazy. "He was already walking towards me and I mentioned the lock to him. He told me to go and wait by the car and then went in the house to look around while I stood outside. After a few minutes, I heard him yell out the door for me to get in the car. He was rushing out with my bag in his hand." I paused for a moment, the adrenaline rushing back into my body as I recalled what happened. "Ma'am?" the officer's voice pulled me back to reality. "I'm sorry", I tried to gain my composure once more, "I heard the gunshots before I even heard the car. I remember seeing him. Falling. My first thought was to rush to his side. I tried to get to him but I was on the ground before I knew it." my voice began cracking as I fought the urge to cry again. "Because you had been injured as well." he said. I nodded. "I wanted to help him. I tried so hard to get to him but it hurt so bad and I just...I couldn't." "Your neighbors heard the shots and called 911." he recapped. I nodded once more. So you didn't see any clues that could've led to who it was? Nothing at all?" he pushed. "No. I was more focused on the bullets grazing by my head than looking at the year, make, and model of the car." I said in frustration. "It was just a qu-...." he started before his partner interrupted him. "I apologize I know this is difficult for you but we need as much detail as possible." the other officer spoke. "I know. I just...I didn't see anything. It was dark. Maybe the car was a dark color. They didn't have any lights on when they pulled up or I would've noticed. "Excuse me, sir?" another detective poked their head in the door. "Be with you in a minute. Will you please excuse us?" he asked standing up and walking out the door. His partner followed. I took a moment and rested my head in my hands. My heart ached in a way I never knew of before this moment. I let out a deep breath and my tears fell with the exhale. I sat there, exhausted and confused. I just wanted this to be a dream. But it wasn't. I was stuck in this nightmare.

I thought back on everything I had said.

Did I give them the right info?

I ran the story back in my mind.

At this point I did all I could.

I looked back through the window into his room. He was so still.

Just go in there.

I was so hesitant.

I can't do it. I can't see him like this. Not again.

I turned to walk away.

Are you really going to leave him? After everything...you better not walk away. I fought with my fears..

Taking a deep breath, I turned back to the door. "Excuse me, ma'am." I heard someone call behind me. I turned to see a doctor standing there. "Yes?" I said. "Are you here for someone?" he asked. "Uhm, yes I'm sorry." I responded realizing I had been standing around for some time. "My fiancé. He's in there. Are you his doctor? Is he okay?" I questioned. "Yes, I am. Dr. Gaskins." she said leading my closer to the doorway. He's doing okay, stable. I'm sure he'll make it, he's strong. But it's going to take time. The wounds were pretty severe so he'll need as much support as you can give him and plenty of rest." she said. I shook my head slowly taking it all in. "Do you know how long?" I asked. "We can't say for certain. Each individual is different and can heal at different times. I've seen people get right back on their feet and others who take a lot longer to get adjusted. Sometimes it can depend on willpower. All I know is, he will need his loved ones there. You should go in. I'm sure he'll be waking up soon." she said reassuringly before walking away. I took another breath to calm my anxiety and stepped inside. The heart monitor beeped faintly. He lay there, his body still excluding the faint motion of his chest rising with each breath. I stood at the end of the bed for a moment, fighting back the tears.

Okay, just breathe.

"Hey baby." I started shaking. I took another breath. "I know you're hurting right now but I need you to stay strong. You're going to get better." I said trying to reassure myself more than him. "You just have to hold on. You're...We're going to get through this. No matter what it takes." I said softly. The pain from my own wounds begin throbbing underneath the bandages. My adrenaline had died down and reality was starting to physically set in.

Why I thought God why did this happen to me. to us.

My body began to shake.

God I'm trying to be strong. I have to be strong for him. I'm trying to be. I know I've fought before but I'm going to need your help so I can do it again. I can do it God I know I can but I'm just tired.

I sat in the chair next to his bed and held his hand. Resting my forehead on the edge of the bed, the tears started to fall. Like ocean waves they poured down, drowning me in my sorrow. And I let them.

God. I begged Just let him be okay. Please