Thirteen (Book One)

Chapter Eight

May 27, 2017
I wake up with a nauseous stomach.
As soon as I open my eyes, it feels like I'm about to throw up. I rush to the bathroom and sit by the toilet. But nothing comes up.
The nauseous feeling has gone away after a bit, but I still feel uneasy as I get ready for the day.
I've been dreading this day since I found out about it.
We have a wedding to attend today.
'Daniel' will be there. So will the rest of his family.
It's his older sister's wedding.
I feel like I don't have much of a choice. Everyone else is going, where would I go? No one is going to trust me enough to let me stay home alone for a day and night.
The idea is nice, too...I'm just worried about how it's going to go.

I haven't seen 'Daniel' since the day after the incident.
I've seen 'Angie'...I've talked to her a few times, even after her and her husband tried to tell me that I made the entire thing up.
My mother and 'Angie' wanted to meet up and have an in person conversation. So we did.
But, that entire talk was 'Angie' telling me that whatever I experienced didn't actually happen and her listing off reasons of why she thinks I made it up.
After that, 'Cole' went out of his way to send me a message telling me that I wasn't invited to his birthday party.
After all of this...I'm nervous to go. I'm nervous to be around those people. I'm nervous about how everyone's going to act, or what might be said. I'm nervous about feeling awkward or left out.
The entire time I get ready for the day, I'm thinking of all the possibilities.

The time comes to leave to the wedding. The entire drive is filled with anxiety for me, but I try my best to show that I'm okay.
The last thing that I want is for anyone to know that I'm nervous around 'Daniel'. It makes me feel weak and vulnerable.

The day has gone okay.
I've caught 'Daniel' looking at me a few times from across the rooms. He's caught me looking at him, too.
I miss hanging out with him. And now seeing him again...I just regret ever telling anyone.
If I had just been quiet about all of this, everything would be fine. I would be on good terms with Daniel, no one here would hate me.
Barely anyone from that family has even acknowledged my existence.
Not 'Cole'. Not their dad. Not the second oldest sister.
The bride said "hi" to me, and 'Angie' asked me once if I was okay, to which I replied "yes."
I wasn't sure what else to say. What is she even supposed to do if I told her I was uncomfortable? Or wanted to go home.
Was she going to tell me it was in my head? To suck it up and get over it because it "didn't actually happen", to stop putting on a show?
It was too late. We were already here, and had no plans of going back tonight.
So, I just faked my way through the night. It helps that some of the my peers who were hanging out with me let me sip on their adult drinks.
Even the groom gave me some alcohol.
As I drink it, I wonder how it's not a perfect example of this family letting us be under the influence.
If the grown ass people around here will help slip adult drinks to me, how are they going to say that 'Daniel' didn't do what he did? If I'm so untrustworthy and people shouldn't be around me, why are they feeding me alcohol?
I'm not going to complain or stop drinking. I'm trying my best to distract myself from the anxiety I have tonight.

July 14, 2017
My sister and I are at my dad's house. We've been staying here since the beginning of July.
He moved cities not too long ago, so we're visiting him and our younger siblings at his new house, new neighbourhood...I'd say new city, but my dad has lived here a few times before now. He jumps back and forth a lot.
I like this new neighbourhood of his, though. His neighbours are friendly and actually include everyone else in their activities. So, tonight, everyone is having a fire together.

We sit around the fire pit in one of the neighbour's back yards. The adults are drinking, as I would expect.
One of my dad's new friends offers me a joint. I look to my dad for the "go ahead", which I receive. So, I smoke with my dad's new friend.

As the night goes on...the adults continue drinking. They all start acting a bit more reckless.
There's some people there that my sister and I don't really know, but that's nothing new to us.
I notice a man much older than me eyeing down my sister. I walk over.
He's trying to have small talk with her, but my sister is someone who's shy on a good day. And when she's uncomfortable, it really shows. It was obvious to me that she wasn't into having any sort of conversation with her.
He asks her how old she is. I answer for him.
"She's twelve."
He looked shocked. "Twelve?"
"Yep."
"How old are you?" he asks me.
"Thirteen."
"Wow. Thirteen....so you both are super young." he continues on.

A little bit later, there's a huge fight between the adults. I come back out to all of the chaos.
They are hitting each other with hockey sticks. I can't tell who is fighting who. My stepmother and her girl friends are trying to pry the boys off of each other, but it's hardly working at all.
Everyone's screaming, shouting, swearing, pushing, hitting. Fists are flying everywhere.
I realize that the rest of the adults are only beating on this one guy-the same guy that was trying to talk to my sister earlier this evening. Maybe things escalated with him.
The adults continue to fight. Everything is happening so fast, I can't get a grip on the situation. I can hardly even hear what they're all screaming about.
Somehow, the fight escalates even more. My dad starts arguing with our stepmother and the neighbours. He was acting out of control. We've seen many fights before, but tonight he was losing it, he wasn't acting like himself. I can't understand why.
The fight started in the neighbour's backyard and somehow made it's way inside of my dad's house.
Everyone was in the doorway, some fighting each other and others trying to break up the fight.
All of my siblings are screaming and crying, the adults are slurring and swearing, pushing and shoving...and I don't know what I'm doing.
This doesn't feel real. This feels like a movie.
This feels like I'm outside of my own body, watching all of this happen...watching myself witness it. My dad ends up pushing our stepmother down the stairs. I have no idea how to handle the situation at all.

The next morning is quiet.
Our stepmother comes back from the hospital. She hurt her foot when she went down the stairs.
Last night comes back to me in bits and pieces.
It felt like I was hardly there last night.
When I first woke up, I wondered if it was a dream...that's how unreal and fuzzy the memory felt. But, our stepmother coming back from the hospital with a fucked up foot confirmed that it wasn't a dream, it was real.
Kearra and I are ready to leave. Our plan is to have our dad drive us to the next town over, and get picked up. My friend's grandfather agreed to drive Kearra and I the rest of the way. My friend tagged along with him.
During the drive with my dad, I notice scratches on his neck from the night before. Nobody says anything for the entire drive. My dad just drops us off and drives back home.
My sister and I are fairly quiet for the rest of the ride, even though I was also with my friend.
We're usually talkative with each other...but I'm not feeling very talkative today. Last night replays in my head a few times.
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The rest of the summer is fairly uneventful.
I spend a balanced amount of time with my family and with my friends.
I also spend a lot of time at grandmother's house. My dad's mother, to be exact. I live with my mom's mother.
Other than the beginning...summer 2017 was a pretty good summer.