Tea Time 😌 | ‼️TW‼️ | Iamtrashbciwanttobe

Vent?

I don't know why I always make jokes and make my trauma seem funny. It's not. And, I fucking know that. The truth is, I don't give two shits about myself. I could care less about what happens to me. I care about everyone else, what they think, how they feel, whats going on with them, their safety, their life. I literally worry about everyone else but me, and I do not care. I do not care if I die anymore. I feel like a useless piece of shit. Like I'm a meaningless waste of an living organism. A waste of space. I fucking hate myself. I hate everything about me. I feel selfish, guilty, disgusting, and useless. I joke about my trauma to let people know I'm okay. To let them know that they don't have to worry about me. When they do worry Iabout me, I feel so selfish, so sad, so mad, that I caused their day to be overfilled with worry because of me. I hate it when people have to worry about me. I absolutely hate it. I hate the voices in my head that tell me every single day that I'm a worthless, pathetic, sad, fucking ugly, annoying, piece of shit. The voices that tell me my friends don't like me. The voices that say my friends think I'm annoying. The voices that say no one cares about me. The ones that make me doubt myself. The ones that make me cut myself. The ones that make me think I'll be better off dead. The ones that say no one likes me. The ones that say everyone is judging me. The ones that say I'm a slut for showing my chest. The ones that say I'm overreacting and I need to stop playing the victim because other people have it worst and I'm lucky I'm not in a worse place than I'm in now. I'm pathetic, helpless, lost, scared, and honestly tired of living this shit over and over again like an endless time-loop. I stay up late, thinking about my life, realizing that I'm a fucking mess. I get jealous whenever someone has a caring mother who loves and would do anything for their child. I envy people with a normal dad, a nice dad, one that doesn't force anything onto their child. A dad that doesn't yell at their kid for a C or an F. Parents that love each other, parents with a healthy marrige, parents that would put the kids first, parents that spend time with their kids, parents that seek out help for their children and dont tell them to just pray and believe in God to help. I'm scared for whats going to happen in the future. I'm not living my best life, but I'm not living my worst if that makes any sense.
I feel so fucking useless and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to seek out help whenever I need. I don't know when to stop. I don't know when enough is enough.
I'm so fuckin tired.