multifandom one shots

His Lover - Kinn x Porsche (kp)

Show - Kinnporsche
A/N - the plan i wrote down for this was literally just 'porsche dead' in caps so if it makes absolutely no sense, blame that.
TW - major character death, suicidal thoughts, spoilers
Word count - 2085
Synopsis - angst. no comfort. none. at all.

Porsche struggles to adjust to life after Big's death. He's more than struggling. His mind tells him things and he can't help but listen. He tries to mask the screaming in his head but there are times when it's too much and he wants to rid the world of himself.

_______

Porsche. It's been twenty three days. You're never coming back, are you? I've visited every day, but my father says I should stop, move on. I can't do that to you, not after everything that happened. Not after I got you killed.

__

The rain is cool on his face. He sighs, absorbing the nighttime lights of Bangkok, his lover's arms wrapped around his waist, his lips dancing over his collar bone. Porsche turns to face his lover, who's gentle touch sends peace throughout him.

He should be used to this world now, seeing people die, people he considered friends, even if that friendship sparked in their last moments. He can't get the image of Big jumping in front of him, knife, bullet, bullet, cutting through him, out of his mind.

He isn't used to this world. Kinn's world. The world were people are tools to a higher purpose, the greater good, even if that good is simply the lesser of two evils.

Kinn's hands cup his face, fingers stroking over the barely visible scrapes and bruises. Porsche feels a kiss planted on his forehead, but he stays stationary.
He remembers his own yelling at Big, at Tawan, at Vegas, and the way Big's blood sprayed the floor. He should have killed Tawan from the moment he re-entered Kinn's life.
Big was dead because he didn't. Chay was kidnapped because he didn't. Chay no longer trusted him because Porsche didn't kill Tawan.

His lover's fingers sail up his torso to his shoulders. He knows Kinn is talking to him, but he can't hear anything except the gunshots and Big telling him that Kinn loves him very much, and to please take care of him. He doesn't want to let Big down, not after he sacrificed himself, but Porsche can't think without being infiltrated by images of pain and death.

The rain helps him think clearer, but the clarity is directed towards the red that decorated Big's shirt. The tiny specks dotted around bigger blots of impact. He doesn't see Kinn, not really. The warmth of his lover's lips on his has him panicking, gasping for breath, as though he is the one shot.
Although he cannot understand what he is saying, Porsche knows Kinn is distressed at the state he is in, trying to bring him back to the real world and out of the void where guilt and fear lie.

__

Porsche. It's been a month now.
My father tried to stop me from leaving the house to see you, but I'm still here. I will always be here because it's my fault. I should've known. I should've been able to stop it. I'm sorry I didn't realise the extent of it all. I didn't understand enough to stop you.