Redemption

Luke POV.4

      The smell of cigarettes caught my attention as I walked through the empty hallway where I once ran as a kid. It felt like an old memory cause once I could recognize the smell, it meant she was at home.

I walk towards the balcony that was covered with heavy curtains to hide my mother's secret spot. Never understood why of all the places in the house, this was her favorite one. Not even the huge living room that she seemed to love and brag about.

As a kid, I would pretend to play hide and seek just to look around and find her. And when I did, I would jump in excitement meanwhile, she remained unfazed by it. So emotionless towards my behavior.

Sometimes I would see dried tears and ask about them, but she never shared what she felt, and neither did I mention it again.

I see her back and the way she tenses as soon as I walk and lean on the top rail beside her. I notice the smoke and the way she inhales it with relief. The smell of pungent herbs intensified but I just let the old smell kindly comfort me. As weird as it sounds.

My mom and I remain silent until she eventually breaks the tension between us.

"Wanna join me?" she offers me her cigarette and tilts her head as she patiently waits for me to do so.
"I don't smoke."
She hums in surprise and inhales more of it. "That's good." She blows the smoke in the opposite direction and looks at me with wonder. "I'm glad that we don't share that habit."
"Another thing that we don't have in common," I sigh as I kept looking at our backyard to distract myself from the feelings that my mother provoked in me.

She remains silent for a while until she sides glance at me with something more than interest.
"We do have many things in common." She pauses as we look at each other questionably. "We are smart and audacious — we're recklessly bold because we are intrepidly daring."
I swallow harshly.
"You've got my temper and that's why our personalities collide. That's why we are always fighting with each other." She looks at the burning cigarette on her hand. "We are manipulative."
She stares at me with a smile. "We are emotionally damaged. Yet we get scared of being alone."
I clench my jaw as her words and realization hit me. She was right.

I've always had this conflicted relationship with her that I had been too blind to see our similarities.

"You feel the same way I do towards everything. That makes us relate to one thing or the other. And that makes us feel less lonely because it's two of us who feel disappointed at each other."

And she had her way with words just like I did. She knew what to say, and maneuvered them skillfully. She articulated them good enough to make me feel something for the first time. Disappointment.

I felt so disappointed because she wanted someone that went through the same thing as she did. So she wasn't the only one living a miserable life. It was simply the two of us.

"We also share another mutual feeling," I dryly say, affected by the harsh truth of my reality. "Hate."
She rolls her eyes and stepped on whatever was left of her cigarette.
"You've never hated me, Luke. You're just mad because I don't like that girl you're messing around with."
"Messing around enough for me to ask her to marry me?"
She clenches her jaw and looks at me with dislike. "Maybe I was wrong. You're not smart enough to clearly see what matters."
"Like clearly seeing how obsessed you are with your absurd status?" I shake my head at her as I make my way with my expressed thought. "You've become self-critical mother. You think your worth depends on your achievements. You think showing emotions — showing how you love makes you weak." I snigger in disbelief. "This perfectionism of yours is chronic and pervasive. How can't you see that?"
Her hands begin to shake but she hides them behind her back. "How can't you—" she eyes me "—How can't you see that she does not deserve you?"
"It's not my status that I'm worried for," she blurted, her tone giving away how I had the same effect on her. "It's you who will get involved in things that you're not supposed to. You'll be dragging her into this miserable life that you said so yourself. You'll be responsible for the pathetic emotions that will consume her. You are being selfish and you'll end up like your father and me!"
"It's worth the try," I reassured. "And yes I'm being selfish and thoughtless— call me as you please — but it's worth the try because I'm tired of feeling like I have no control in my life. And maybe it's because I'm not being selfish enough."
Her shoulders tensed and something in the way she looked at me changed.
"I've placed so many other things— sacrificed things that mattered. I've had many responsibilities and placed many people above my needs," I pause and finally say, "Now it's time for me to be selfish because I need her."
Her reaction was reflected in me after I had admitted it loudly enough for me to realize it. We both stared at each other meanwhile, she struggled to say what she thought.

Before we could argue about each other's life decisions, we were interrupted by one of the maids who excused herself before speaking.

"I apologize Mrs. Huxley, but you have a call."
My mother nodded and left immediately, not caring about what had happened seconds ago. As if the moment vanished with no importance.

I could have been mad after she stepped away, but the moment she did I was startled because this was the first time she ever listened to how I felt. And I hated myself for feeling relieved that she did; nothing less than what a mother should do for their kids.

I saw emotion through her and even through me.
And it felt good. My chest wasn't heavy anymore.

My mind went back to the moment I had admitted my need for Lenna. And my need to protect her from my mother's judgemental and arrogant side.

But she was right. I was about to drag Lenna into a world where everyone craves to be. In a world full of illusion.

In a place full of power and privilege that made most of us lack humanity. Lack purpose. Lack feelings. Lack ourselves.

But I was also right. She was my purpose now. I was starting to find myself through her. And I was going to make sure to give her everything that she ever wanted in life.

Money can't buy love and somehow it felt like I was doing so. Guilt slithered through my veins at the thought. But I pushed it to the back of my mind and ignored it.

.