Being Me

Chapter One

The quiet purr of the fan cuts through the otherwise silent room, a small black dot of a fly buzzes past my face, my eyes follow it, almost lazily, as it lands on my abandoned dinner from the night before.
I jump slightly as my phone let's out a loud series of rings, I inhale deeply before pulling myself upright, my left side of my face peeling off the pillow from where it had stuck with sweat.
My movements feel slow and sluggish in the uncomfortable heat of my bedroom.

Freya:
Beach anyone?

Connor:
I'm up.

Rachel:
I'm also up for it.

Eve:
Not this time, sorry guys :(

Freya: it's okay Eve.

Fíon:
I can!

Freya: Séan, wbu?

Connor: yeah man, you coming?

I stared silently at my phone screen, my fingers hovering of the keypad.

Fíon: don't say the prince of the pool himself is scared of a little beach trip.

Rachel: Fíon stop it! You know he doesn't like you calling him that!
Séan, please come.

My heart stiffens in my chest, each beat feeling forced and choked, I don't want to go,no I do,I just... Don't want to see that person again, that thing, my throat tightens but before I know it, my green box appears on the screen, I answered.

Me:
Ofc I'm up for it!
What time?

Desperately I fumble to delete the message, to late, Freya's replied.

Freya:
Yay!
Okay, sending location now.
Btw my mam says she's happy
to give any of you a lift their if ya need it.

*@Freya Murphy sent a link. Click to open*

My room remains silent for several seconds before I let out a loud "Fuck!", punching my mattress hard as I allow myself to fall back down on it and bringing my hands to my face, any sign of tiredness has disappeared as my vision begins to blur.
"idiot." I mumble, the word muffled by my hands, "idiot." I mumble again, why oh why did I have to say yes?
Rachel.
That's why, I had to because Rachel asked, I can't let her down but I also can't bear to see her, not when I... When I've been leading her on, "idiot" I say again, this time it's barely audible, I want to hit myself, or kick, I want to pull my hair out of my scalp so hard it bleeds,I want to ram knives into my eyes so I can never see again, never see this thing in my mirror, staring back at me, never feel that lingering feeling of sickness as I stare back.
I want... I want to not be like this whatever this is.

Slowly, reluctantly, I pull myself out of my bed and stumble over to my wardrobe, I stare at it dully for a few seconds before giving my clothes a sniff, deciding they smell alright I grab my trunks and swimming shirt before snatching up my phone and shuffling put of my room, texting as I walk.

Me:
@freya that lift offer still up?

Freya:
Indeed it is.
mam says we'll be by in 30, gotta grab a lil picnic from the shop first.

"What're you doing?" I look down to see the chocolate smeered face of my little brother, staring at me, mouth open and eyes wide.

"I'm going out with my friends." I reply flatly as I bend over to slip my shoes on my feet.

"Okay!" He chirps before speeding off through his open bedroom door.

I finish tying my shoes and lean through the doorway of the living room -careful to not let my feet slip past the threshold- "Mum, I'm going out with my friends today, I'll be back around five to babysit." I call before opening the front door and quickly exiting.

The humid air hits me as soon as I step out, only the slightest breeze dares to show itself after several minutes,I walk down my garden path, fanning my still sweating face, with my hand.

Thirty degrees, it's a nightmare but beats hail any day.

It feels like hours have passed before the familiar bright red Ford pulls to a stop infront of my house, "Séan!" Freya shouts from the passenger seat, leaning out the window with a dumb grin on her face, her dark brown hair has been curled for the day, a pretty light blue sunhat resting on top. I can't help but feel a slight pang of jealousy jab me in the stomach, I've been growing my own hair out this summer, it's down past my shoulders now but it isn't as long and girly as Freya's.

"Hey Freya!" I call back, sliding off the wall where I'd been waiting and jumping into the backseat, the air conditioning hits me with a cool wave and I quickly relax into the seat.

"I'm so happy you are able to come!" Freya squeals with delight, doing her best to hug me from the seat in front.
I smile at her, trying to show as much energy as possible despite how tired I'm feeling.

We've been driving for almost an hour when the car slows and Freya's mum speaks from the driver seat "here we are you two."

"Thanks mam!" Freya says, leaning over and hugging her mum, "see ya later." She adds as she opens her door and hops out, I quickly follow suit, helping her grab the picnic from the boot before her mum drives off.

We're making our way out of the car park, towards the beach when we hear an excited yell, "Séan, Freya!"

A/n: welp, that's the first chapter completed... again,I really hope this time round I'll be happy with it's outcome (^ ⁠▽⁠ ^;⁠)
[13/09/22]