Dear Dad,
I didn't know what I wanted more, for you to die, or for you to just hug me once again and for you to tell me that I am enough.
I don't know what I hate more, you , or the absenteeism of your love towards me. Why can't I hug you anymore daddy? Why can't I tell you that I love you ?
Maybe because I grew up, but deep down, I am still you little girl. I am lost, I have started to hate you and I want you to die. I pray that when you drive, your car crashes, I pray that you get a stroke. I pray. That I lose you. Cause having you, is making me lose myself.
I do miss the time when I loved you, when I idealised you but now it seems like I am never enough for you. It seems like, I cannot be happy around me. You have damaged me. You sucked my joyful side. I am afraid to be happy now. What if you don't like it daddy? Seeing me happy? What if you pick up the bamboo stick again and hit my thigh daddy? What if you throw a photo frame at mom again? What if my happiness angers you daddy?
I want to forgive you daddy, I want to, I know you are a disturbed soul yourself but I cannot empathise you dad. I try! I do try! I try to forgive you, forget the damage you did to me, to my mother, to my brother... but I'm afraid that if I forgive and forget what you did, you might do it again.
You know, I wanna hug you, and tell you that I do love you, but oh, how I want you to die too. To be honest, I don't know what I want from you dad. You have provided me with the bestest of the goods, newest Iphone, laptop, everything but dad, don't you realise? That I want your love? You to hold my hand and guide me? Don't you realise that I miss the bond we had when I was younger? Don't you realise I want our family to be happy again? Go on family trips again? Smile again? I do not want your materialist things dad, I want you. Where are you? Where is your support? Where is your love? Where are YOU?
You think that scaring me, beating me, is gonna prevent me from going astray. But you are wrong. You scare me, I am frightened of you. I flinch every time you come closer to me, I lower my eyes when you speak to me. I do not stay in the same room as you. This...This thing you do? It doesn't make me love you, it makes me wish for your death, so I can stop hurting. Mumma can stop hurting.
Do you know that I am depressed? Do you know, that I am failing my classes because of what you do? It affects. I feel so relieved when you go out for business trips, you know? Mumma and I can finally be happy without being scared. We can do the things we like without thinking if you would like it or not.
The more you control me daddy, the further I am gonna go from you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you so much but I wish I loved you.
YOU ARE READING
Your Absenteeism
RandomI don't know what this book is going to be about as of yet, but I am sure to show a relation between a toxic father and his daughter. The book starts with a letter from a 16 year old daughter to her father, which she wishes she could give to her dad.
