Me, Love, & Secrets

Joël Côté-Dominguez

I was pretty nervous about this. I hadn't seen him in so long and he's already so grown up. I keep thinking he's going to hate me. I would hate me. I haven't been around long enough to say that I'm his mother. He's only seen me through a screen. After everything that's happened over the past couple of years, I doubt anyone would want me as their mother. I'm hoping he's excited to see me just as much as I'm excited to see him.

Callie told me that she'd been teaching him English. I knew it was a just in case thing. Just in case I decided to take him to America with me. Just in case he had to live with some extended family in another English speaking country. It was good he learned Spanish, too. Melinda and Renée speak it every chance they get with me. I never feel like a native speaker until I'm with them.

Callie's house was the same as I remembered. I could see they added a smaller house, but that was all that changed. I pulled into the driveway, reciting what I was going to say if Joël didn't want to see me. This is so frustrating. I just want him to accept me like I'd never gone away. If only I hadn't gone away.

I hit the horn as I leaned over to grab my purse. Crap! Now they know that I'm here. Goodbye to surprising my son.

Callie peeked out of the front door and smiled. I knew she couldn't see me, but Lin's car is too recognizable. Anyone who knows her, knows the model and color of her car. It hasn't changed since she got it.

I got out and looked at myself in the side mirror. Ah, I look good enough to say I have an actual life. Before I could knock on the door, Callie opened it again.

"Ruby!" She greeted me. "Ah, you haven't changed at all!"

"Callie!" I hugged her. "You've changed. It's a good thing. You don't look a day over 25."

"You don't look a day over 18."

We laughed and she let me into the house. It's good to see a lot hasn't changed. She still has two mirrors just a few feet apart in the front hall. She has three girls, so that's understandable. The last I heard, her eldest son was well on his way to graduate early and head off to college this year. I couldn't be more proud of him.

"Where's Léon?" I asked. "I thought he'd be home by now."

"He's out with Milo. They wanted to check out a hardware store that had just opened. You know how men are when it comes to tools." Callie led me to the living room. "I'll go get Joël. He is so excited to see you."

"You sure you aren't saying that to make me feel better?"

"Why would I lie to you? You're the best mom anyone could ask for. He's been talking nonstop about you."

I bet he has.

Callie walked away before I could protest further. I don't want to get this over with, but I want to see him. This is frustrating! I couldn't sit down. So much nervous energy. I decided to look at the pictures on the mantelpiece. They looked like the perfect family. I spotted a photo of me and Joël. It was the first time I'd shown him to Callie.

"Mom!"

I turned around to see Joël running towards me. I help out my arms to catch him.

"Joël!" I hugged him tight. "How have you been? I'm so sorry I didn't come to visit sooner."

"It's okay, Mom. I missed you a lot!"

I couldn't hold back my tears. Joël will never know the real reason why he wasn't able to live with me when I moved back home. He'll forever think it was because of his grandparents. That's part of the reason, but I never want him to learn about the man who calls himself his father. The last thing I want to do is bring him into his life and he tries to ruin us again.