rails // a.i. // book 2

disappear

outside viewer

it has been five months and two days since ashton and mae met at the bridge. in the past two months they both have begun to discover themselves. they've also learned a lot about each other.

for example, mae learned that ashton loves moose tracks ice cream, but only in the summer. he told her that he sticks to four flavors for four seasons. mae laughed, but ashton was completely serious and rambled on about why those four flavors were for the specific season.

but ashton also learned something about mae. he learned that she loved to draw. she explained that most of her paintings were how she felt and they were deep - scary deep. for weeks, ashton begged and begged for mae to show him one of her paintings. and like the stubborn girl she is she refused every time. that was until one day she got so sick and tired of the complaining, that she gave in.

it was the following day and mae brought along her best painting. when ashton saw it, all he could do was stare. the painting had a variation of dark colors, dark feelings, bright colors, and bright feelings. it was one of the most intricate paintings he has ever seen - if he's really looked at one before. ashton couldn't express his feelings which made mae nervous, but it was understandable. after all, it was a terrific painting.

after ashton stared at the painting for what seemed like forever, he and mae finally sat down against the railing and watched the waves crash against the shore. as it was nearing the end of may, ashton asked mae what her summer plans were. she told him that she wasn't doing much, just waiting for a few applications.

ashton told mae that he was doing the same, minus the applications part. once mae heard, she was overjoyed and couldn't wait to spend the summer with ashton. her mind danced with ideas of the perfect summer adventures and countless hours to be spent at the bridge.

but little did mae know was that her summer plans wouldn't be anything like her dreams at all. in fact, they would be her worst nightmare.

~

it's now the middle of july and ashton has yet to tell mae his acceptance into a soccer school for the next year. the school was also two thousand miles away. but ashton couldn't break mae's heart like that; he knew how much it meant to her that they come here everyday, together. so, for now he was going to keep it a secret. and maybe he would never have to tell her, maybe he could just disappear.

ashton was very transparent to mae, though. she could see that he was hiding something from her. he was always anxious, like there was something he needed to say, but couldn't. eventually, it stopped bothering her and she became used to it.

ashton and mae spent most of july and part of august together. that was until ashton realized that he was going to leave for school soon. he immediately felt guilty for not telling her before, but he couldn't. and he knew that deep down, mae would understand, she would be okay. so, he went with his gut and never told mae a word.

~

it was two weeks before school started for mae and she and ashton had planned to spend their last few weeks together before unknowingly going off to separate schools. you see, before ashton's opportunity came to be,  mae would rarely see ashton around school. now that they had met, they wanted to spend every moment together - well, mae did.

so, ashton and mae trudged their ways to the bridge. they talked for hours and if mae brought up the subject of school, ashton would change it immediately. it put her on edge, as if ashton didn't like school. or perhaps he just didn't like mae anymore. whatever the case, it made her anxious for days. she couldn't sleep, eat, or hardly speak.

on the last day of the last week, which was the last day that ashton would see mae for a while, they didn't speak. although they would share little 'yeahs' and 'okays' here and there, it wasn't the same. the atmosphere was different, the bridge was quiet, too quiet, their relationship was different. it was like they had all of a sudden realized that with school around the corner, it was more pressure. which meant less time at the bridge.

and as they spent their last day at the bridge, standing quietly side by side, ashton realized that he was hurting mae in more ways than one. he didn't want to do that; but he had to. his soccer career was the most important thing to him. if he didn't take this chance, his parents would hate him and he would be known as the failure in the family - not that he already wasn't. his mind raced with possibilities of staying or leaving, and he needed to make a decision fast; time was running out.

pretty soon, mae couldn't take it anymore. and ashton realized that he wasn't the only one keeping a secret. mae had told him that she is going to san diego california for treatment. no, she does not have cancer. her mom and doctors believe her depression is getting worse which may lead to serious consequences. so they're taking her to a rehab facility to try and help her.

ashton's heart shattered at the news. secretly, he could tell that there was something wrong with her. not that it was bad, he just noticed that she wasn't herself anymore. and maybe he was the reason for it. maybe it was just her parents' abuse backfiring. who knows.

mae went on to tell him that there's a possibility that her recent anxiety is developing into something more serious too. he immediately knew that was his fault. all the signs were there: she had been showing up at the bridge late, her eyes always had dark purple bags under them, she would hardly speak anymore, and she's becoming thin, which is a sign that she hasn't been eating much.

ashton had seen anxiety disorder before and depression. they were all in his family and friend relation. his sister has terrible anxiety and his best friend lindy has horrible depression. there are days where lindy won't come to school because it's so bad. and there are days that his sister won't eat, speak, or sleep because her anxiety was so awful. 

his guilt immediately took over his conscience telling him that it was his fault that mae was developing anxiety. ashton had been so transparent to her, that it began to itch at her skin. then one day she asked about school and ashton was harsh so, it began to slowly eat her away.

he didn't speak, didn't look her in the eye. he simply kept his head down and walked back home. there was nothing more he could say or do, his decision was made.

he was going to disappear.

—

this took me 5ever to write. SOSOOSOSOSOSOSOSSO this book is ending soon. and it probs moved to fast but idgaf.