The Looked After Child

march - Amsterdam

The college had organised for our class to go abroad to Amsterdam for a long weekend. The class had joked about getting high and drinking, the teachers shaking their heads and throwing out winks. I was ecstatic when phil said I could go, the social services paying the fees so that I could attend. All in the name of 'education' , I'd gotten the gist that it was more of a holiday with a couple of class activities thrown in. Everyone was really excited for me as I planned what outfits to Wear, leather jacket,  new jeans , my boots and my marylin manson cardigan and band print t shirts. The only person who wasn't excited was Matthew, we had constant bickering over worries of me getting so drunk I do something stupid or getting high. Despite my reassurances that there was no chance of me getting drunk and kissing my friend Scott and I didn't even smoke so why would I get high Matthew was visibly worried.
" I'm just worried something going to happen you're so far away. I'm going to miss you" he ran his hair fretting.
" nothing is going to happen baby, I'm not my mum I'm not going to get paralytic, besides its a school trip do you really think they'd let us get that bad" I reminded him . Matthew sighed and shrugged at me a sheepish smile on his face.
" I suppose not." .
" what are you actually worried about, its not me drinking is it?"
" you're going with all your friends and Scott's a boy who is going to be sleeping really close to you, I am a boy I know what he is like" . I scowled at him and threw my hands up in the air
" how many time have I told you that Scott is a friend to be brutally honest with you he is not my type. He is lanky and skinny as a twig , so there is nothing to hug, he looks about ten years old and can't even grow a speck of facial hair. He is sweet and kind and funny but he is not my type" Matthew chewed his lip and grabbed my hips pulling me forward and resting his head against my stomach and I scratched his head as he hummed and closed his eyes.
" I'm sorry " he mumbled.
" stop worrying the closest he'll get is us all hanging around in our room" I laughed.
" no" Matthew pouted up at me as I laughed and swatted him upside the head.
" stop acting like an overbearing caveman" I laughed.
" no hugging, no leeping in each others rooms, no revealing clothing'. My eyebrows rose and I balked at the seriousness in his voice. I wanted to be angry at his controlling behaviour but it wasn't that big of a deal and if the shoe was on the other foot I knew I'd be acting ten times worse. I cringed being that territorial over someone was definitely unhealthy.
" Scott gets higs of all of us, there nothing sexual about it" I chuckled . Matthew squeezed me tighter my breathing cutting off as I smacked his shoulders and head.
" no"
" fine okay whatever you big baby" I laughed swatting his head. We spent the rest of our weekend lounging around in my dad's spare room listening to random vinyls, watching priate movies and making out. Phil always accused my dad of being reckless, providing us a place where we could potentially have sex. The truth was that phiil wasn't wrong but it didn't matter where we were. we'd have sex anywhere that provided some semblance of privacy. unashamed and without care because we loved each other, from what I could tell we were the only ones in my family that had a relationship and everyone else's looked dried up and love less. Everyone was so quick to tell us it was normal part of a relationship then condem us for having a fullfilling relationship. If we were taking precautions, weren't hurting anyone and was safe did it even matter what anyone else thought? Matthew didn't seem to think so and that gave me all the reassurances I needed.  Amsterdam loomed over us and the sense that we'd probably be bickering over text for the next few days over differing view points and boundaries tainted the day, we were both wrapped up in our own thoughts not really watching the movies as Matthew ran his fingers up and down my arm in soft strokes.
" you're not mad I'm going to Amsterdam are you" i sighed , as unhealthy as it was if he was that worried I wouldn't go.
" no I'm just worried , it feels like you want to live up the college life like your friends, but they're all single and your not. I'm worries you'll resent our relationship." I scoffed at the thought immediately feeling bad for dismissing his worries. Turning I straddled his lap and and held his face in my hands.
" it's true sometimes I feel like the grass is greener, like I'm missing out on something , it doesn't help that phil and fran are constantly insinuating I could do better" pausing i nibbled my lip this wasnt sounding reassuring." I love you, I dont resent our relationship for a minute and I'll join in with them to a degree with whatever they're doing but i wont jepordise us". Matthew sighed but nodding and kissing me with all the insecurities he couldn't say and I reassured him as best as I could convey without words.

***********************************

We had all gathered on the slip road beside the college our journalism class was joined by the tv and class film and I allowed myself to feel excited, we were definitely going to Amsterdam and there was nothing that could fall through now. I smiled and hooked my arm through my friend tash's shaking us both and giggling. Tash laughed throwing her had back shaking her head at my antics.
' finally she speaks, you haven't said a word all morning'. I sighed but a smile rested on my face as I leaned into the road looking for our coach. Victoria smiled at us ' have you finished being moody' she asked muching on her breakfast sandwich. Rolling my eyes at her I clapped when the I spotted our coach, tashs eyebrows shot up and vicky chocked on her food. ' I don't think I've ever seen you this happy for anything' Scott said casually leaning against the lamppost.
' I've always wanted to travel, and I have a rule about getting excited for things' I said as we the teacher called for us to line up with our suitcases.
' what's that?' Victoria said frowning.
' I don't get excited till its actually happening because then you can't be disappointed when it doesn't happen for whatever reason" I shrugged. The three of them frowned.
' where did you learn that' Scott said now dragging his suitcase behind him.
'my mum would always promise me stuff like she wasn't going to drink and then she'd still do it or that we'd go places like the beach or the zoo then never go, probably because she drank all the money" I practically threw my nag at the driver placing our bags in the hold and tapping my foot impatiently as the line to get inside shuffled forward slowly.
" that's really depressing" tash said the other muttered the agreement and i realised I'd made it awkward. I glanced at vicky and we both shrugged before I clapped my hands together
' so who is sitting with who?' With those words we were plunged into conversation about seating arrangement and tash and Victoria's extended friends from the other class were roped in as we argued who sitted where. I'd sit with tash and then we could all rotate every time we stopped. I didn't bother learning everyone's names, I'd never remember them and I'd never speak to them again after this trip so there was no point.  When everyone was settled I pulled out my bag of food and me and tash munched on chocolate bars as I watched the town pass by and tash chattering to the other groups. Sticking my headphones in I leant against the head rest and closed my eyes.