A Little Introduction To E

My mental health

I don't know why that title scares me but it does. Anyway we're here to talk about my mental health and this is probably going to be long so buckle up as always.

As I've grown up and seen things about myself, not that I'm grown but I'm a little older now and I see things differently than I used to.

To keep it plain and simple I have suicidal ideation, anxiety, and depression. The whole package, I know.

With me I've never hurt myself or thought about it. I've tried to connect suicide by swallowing some pills at my grandma's house once. I didn't overthink it I just saw it and thought do it and I did. As you can see I'm still alive today but for like 2 days I threw up and I couldn't eat anything because I couldn't hold it down. Nobody knew what I did because I didn't tell anybody they just thought I had a stomach bug.

Some things about me that might contribute to the way I am.

1. My dad.
My dad died around the Christmas of my 7th grade year. That was really hard on me cuz he wasn't that present in my life to begin with. Every time I was around him I always had to have my mom cuz I wasn't comfortable around him. He would call me his baby girl though he wasn't around. My earliest memories of him is him coming home drunk and sleeping on the couch and him and my mom arguing. At his funeral everybody was crying but me and I hate to say it but I honestly didn't want to be there. I do miss my dad and I wish I had a relationship with him but I didn't. I don't know if that made any sense or if I sounded like a terrible person which I probably did but yeah.

2. My weight.
For my age I am very obese which I understand but I don't try to change it because I don't really care. My whole life ever since I was in kindergarten people have been saying to lose weight. That I'm chubby, big boned, got some weight to me, that I eat too much, that I'm overweight, that I'm unhealthy, that I'm going to be diabetic, that I'm killing myself, and that I'm big. Sometimes I wish people would just call me fat and cut out the middle man. I get it, I am, it doesn't hurt my feelings anymore because I genuinely don't care. I could die from my weight tomorrow and I wouldn't care. I know what I'm doing I know what it could lead to, everybody always tells me what it will lead to and MY GOD I know. I just don't care. Again don't know if that made any sense but yeah.

3. My cousin.
When I was around the age of six or seven I don't know how old my older cousin was but I know he was older than me. When my brothers were playing on their PlayStation we were hanging out in another room and he made me touch his penis. I don't really like to talk about this to anybody but this is basically anonymous. I really don't think anybody knows the extent of this. He also made me put it in my mouth and do THAT to him. Every time he would come over he would always make me do sexual stuff. Again he was my COUSIN and I didn't know how to tell anybody cuz I thought they would blame me. Now that I'm older I'm just too scared that people would think I'm weird for not telling anybody or that I didn't remember it right or that I wanted it or something. I don't know I just want to take that one to the grave. I'm sorry I keep writing a lot I just want you to understand.

I think that's all I'm going to write for reason's I'm pretty sure y'all get the point. I don't know if that's enough to classify myself with depression and this is me self-diagnosing from things I've seen.

I hate myself and I hate everything else in this world. I wish it would just end, stop, go dark, come to a fucking close, whatever I just wish it was over sooner rather than later.

I remember talking to my brother about how I think I'm depressed and he said I shouldn't self-diagnosed. No hate to my brother I love him I just feel like I have depression.

I'm very unmotivated and that just might be me being lazy which it probably is but it might not be.

I also think I have anxiety because I always feel like someone stepping on my heart when I'm in public and social interactions.

This has never happened to me but last week my mom and me want to Starbucks. When it was time for me to order I felt like I couldn't breathe or move. I felt like I was about to pass out.

My mom got mad at me about it cuz she said I gave myself anxiety but I don't know how to not do that. It just happened and maybe when I go back to school I'll chill out a little bit and loosen up.

I don't know but I'm just so scared that I'm getting worse and I don't know how to fix that.

I also think I have suicidal ideation because whenever I talk to my friend about certain things I'll talk about how I don't want to live and how life is so shitty and there's no beauty in it which there isn't.

She'll always make me feel worse about it even though I know she's trying not to. I just can't help it, it's not helping and it's kind of annoying.

She's always talking about "there's things to look forward to in life" and "I get where you're coming from" 100 fucking times and that there is a reason that I should want to live.

It's just so annoying sometimes. I wish I didn't have to live. She should just let me think that I know she's trying to save me but I don't feel like being saved. Like at all. I just wish I was dead I know I shouldn't but I do.

Anyways I think that was enough even though there's a lot more I can write but there you go.

Again I would really love to hear other people's thoughts and your guys's comments maybe you can relate to me and you can talk about it.

Have a great rest of your day or night.