Citrus: Mei's Story vol. 2 - Hesitant Heart

IV. Decisions

"Well? Say it, Yuzu."
I was waiting for her to speak, but Yuzu just took hold of my hand that was pressed into the sheets and wrapped her own hand around it while pulling towards her chest. The move pulled me closer and I could no longer hold in my feelings and smiled as I saw her other hand slide up my arm and a deep blush on her face. It wasn't verbal consent, but it was clear she was pulling me in. Still I needed to be sure.
"You need me, don't you?"
She wrapped me in her arms and pulled me against her before whispering in my ear.
"Mei..."
She nuzzled into me and I nuzzled back. I didn't know how else to take it. She was accepting me. She was saying yes. I felt her kiss my temple and I stopped holding back. I kissed down her neck into her exposed collarbone and found myself unable to stop talking.
"I'm good at following orders."
Shut up.
I licked up the middle of her neck in a way that I knew from my own experience was amazing and she let out a quivering moan and repositioned her head and neck to allow me to continue.
"Just tell me what you want..."
Stop talking like that...
Our hands separated as she moved in response to my kisses and touch. I got a little more suggestive and traced my fingers around her belly button before teasing the idea of sliding my hand into her panties. I didn't dare go further until I knew she wanted that.
"Because it doesn't matter anymore what I do."
Actions at odds with wording... stop and just let her guide you... let her decide if you matter.
I stopped all other actions and looked up at her blushing and panting face.
"I'll be gentle."
I gave her a warm and caring smile, and then I ruined everything in my arrogance.
"It's your first time, isn't it?"
Her face flushed and her expression twisted in justified anger moments before her hand found my face.
I really deserved that... what exactly was I trying to imply by asking that?!
I didn't move from my position as I let the slap sink into my and her outraged words struck home exactly what I had turned it into.
"I don't want it like this!"
   I made it seem like I was pitying her at the end. I kept talking and was solely focused on impressing her, but then I insulted her. I should have just shut up.
I let her up and just pressed my hand into the spot she slapped. Not in astonishment, but rather I was trying to make it hurt more.
"Do you even think about other people's feelings?!"
Her words were so pointed and specific that it was hard to miss the reason she was upset. In the middle of our finally being direct in our mutual feelings, I spent time reminding her that I was experienced and then brought up her being a virgin. No matter how I looked at it, the message of just my words was pretty horrible. I let Yuzu go to sleep without doing anything further, and slipped out of our room to get a cold patch and some tea.
I found a giant stuffed bear sitting at our table in the seat that was always empty. I didn't have to ask to know it was a gift for my father. It was tempting to take out all my rage and self hatred on the innocent plushy. Seeing it caused me to stop my journey to the kitchen and I just sat opposite the creature and stared at it. Suddenly I heard a commotion at the front door and shortly later I was joined by a work weary Mother.
"Mei?! What are you...?"
Her voice trailed off as she took in the giant bear and my disheveled and slap marked face. She slowly put down her things and pointed at the bear.
"He arrived?"
I nodded. She pointed at my face.
"Who?"
I just stared at her. I couldn't bring myself to say Yuzu's name. After a second she nodded.
"I'll make... something to drink for us both."
I watched as she worked silently in the kitchen and was rewarded with a warm cup of tea mixed with another liquid I decided not to inspect and a cold patch tenderly placed over my bruise. Mother took up the seat at the corner so she could see my face better and sipped at her own cup.
"What happened?"
"My father came back."
"Took him long enough since I messaged him too."
I stared at her as though she had just confessed to poisoning me.
"You brought him back?!"
"Yes."
"Why?!"
"Because his daughter, who had grown up without parents and had been abused and manipulated by men ever since he left, was nearly raped by a friend. I needed him to be here to see what his absence created and to get him to consider how to make things right."
"I spent all my life trying to be worthy of his attention, and then trying to be his replacement until he could return and take control, and he threw it all in my face! I have nothing now!!"
"You have me! You have Yuzu!"
As a sullen response I motioned towards my face.
"That's not enough to say it's over."
"I ruined it, again! I broke down after seeing my father, she tried to comfort me, we kissed, it got... intense, I got consent and then I ruined it by bringing up the fact that she's a virgin and I'm not as if it mattered at all!"
It took me a moment of silence to realise exactly what my current situation was. I blanched and let my head fall onto the table in defeat.
"Not my preferred way of getting confirmation of... that, but I poked that bear. What did she say when she hit you?"
"I don't want this like that!"
I looked at her and saw a smile creeping onto the corners of her mouth.
"You two will be fine. Just don't bring up... that again."
I lowered my head again in embarrassment.
"Did you even talk to your father?"
"No."
"Damn it, Shou! Why'd you agree to this if you're just going to hide a—"
She seemed to have been reacting without realising it wasn't trapped in her mind and cut herself off as I lifted my head to stare at her.
"Explain."
"Mei..."
"No. I just learned that I spent most of my life doing things that were actually meaningless and was even willing to sacrifice my own happiness for it. On top of that the girl I love is now self conscious and miserable just when it looked like she was accepting the reality that we are into each other and can't just turn it off. And the man I idolised enough to even make dangerous deals with his close minded father, changed into some stranger who says Yo and will hug a daughter he's never even met before making sure I was okay! So no. I'm not going to just let that go. You learned every aspect of my relationship with Yuzu. It's my turn. Explain."
She stared at me for a moment and then smiled.
"I'm glad I'm rubbing off on you."
"Mother."
"Alright!... Your father hasn't been as... gone as you think. He used to keep tabs on you."
"Is that all?"
It didn't sound like anything worth hiding, especially as I had been doing the same to him electronically. I knew of every place he had abandoned me to see. But apparently she wasn't finished.
"A month before you came to live with us... I met your father as he followed you home. Apparently he had been nervous about you finally being high school aged. I thought he was a stalker. We talked over drinks and he explained his side of things."
"And you..."
"Smacked him for leaving you alone right when you needed him. Got him to admit that he made a mistake for agreeing to leave you here. Told him I'd take you in."
"Wait..."
"Yep... you're catching on."
"So you two..."
"Are still just dating, kinda... though for your sake we got married on paper, otherwise your grandfather could prevent you from living with me... and her."
Suddenly everything, the entire situation with her and Yuzu, made so much sense. I stared at the woman who had been willing to take on my grandfather in a situation of casual deceit alongside my absentee father just to give me an actual home. My falling for Yuzu was just a happy accident with absolutely nothing wrong because the marriage that made us sisters was fake.
"Should... should I still... what do I call you?"
She laughed and let it drift into a sigh as she shook her head and looked at me.
"My preference... I like how you call me mother, but my name is Ume. You can use whatever you want. That's why we did this after all."
All of this... this wonderful escape from the life I had be alone in... this random bit of paradise that held Yuzu... hadn't been an escape for my father to abandon his responsibilities for emotional comfort... it was his gift of comfort and emotions for a daughter he regretted leaving behind. Am I loved?! By this new him and by...
I couldn't stop the tears from flowing. I didn't quite know how to take any of this. Even Mother's hugs didn't keep me from feeling that even if this meant things might not be as terrible as I imagined, I was still completely lost as to how I wanted to continue. Being told this hadn't changed anything about my current situation. I was still a shadow of a person who only knew life with Yuzu. I still needed purpose and a path to take. This was merely a balm for the shattered pieces of my past, a way to make it through tonight. I clutched it to my chest as I slept and used it's lingering light to ward off the darkness that threatened to suffocate me.