OUR HEARTBEAT [BEOMJUN] ✅

thirty-three

I hitched a ride home with my parents since the way I’d gotten to the carnival was no longer an option. After my best friend had walked away from me, Soobin had followed her and they’d driven off together in his car. Apparently Soobin was mad at me, too. Or maybe not mad at me, but more invested in Arin.

I looked over at Jeno, who shared the back seat with me. He needed to tell my parents what had just happened.

Later, he mouthed.

I’d give him one day. I was done keeping quiet about this. That didn’t help before.
My mom twisted in her seat to look back at me. “What happened with Liz?” she asked.

“I’ll fix it.”

She nodded slowly. “That Sieun is charming.”

Was that her subtle way of saying that I wasn’t? “Yes, she’s good.”

“You were good, too, baby,” Dad said.

“Thanks,” I mumbled.

Back at home, Mom followed me to my room, then hovered by the doorway when I went inside.

“I’m fine, Mom,” I said, not sure what else she wanted to say but knowing I didn’t want to talk about it tonight.

“You seemed miserable up there,” she said.

“Up where?”

“Behind that microphone.”

“I did?”

“Yes. Honey, if this class is killing you, you need to talk to Ms. Lee about it. I can talk to her if you want. Maybe you can transfer out. Take something else as your elective. Take a business class or something that will help you run the marina one day.”

I collapsed onto my bed. “No, Mom. It was fine until the whole Liz slipup. Normally I can make mistakes like that and not worry that they’ll be damaging.”

She gave a sympathetic hum. “I know I’ve been pushing you to try new things.” Pity laced her voice. “I’m sorry if you feel like you had to do this for me.”

“I didn’t … I don’t. I’m tired. I just want to sleep.”

“Okay.” She ran a hand down my cheek. “Let me know if you want me to talk to Ms. Lee.”

I nodded and she left. So much for proving a point.

—————

Saturday morning, I lay in bed, feeling like someone had smashed me in the face with a hammer. My head pounded, my eyes hurt, my insides were in knots. I had stayed up most of the night thinking, trying to figure out a solution to everything, but I still had no answers. I’d spent the last month and a half doling out advice, and I had no idea what to do about the mess my life had suddenly become.

I rolled over with a groan and stared at my phone sitting there unassumingly on my nightstand. I held my breath and picked it up. No new messages. I sent off two texts of my own—apologies to Arin and Liz—then wondered why I had never gotten Yeonjun’s cell phone number. Probably because Arin liked him. I couldn’t very well ask Alana for it now. I dropped my phone back down and rubbed my hands over my face.

I couldn’t solve all my problems right that second, but I could try to at least solve one, the one inside my house. I forced myself out of bed and searched for my brother. He was sitting on the back porch staring at the sequoias in the distance. I sat in the patio chair next to him, pulling my knees up to my chest. In the light of day, I could see he had a small red mark by his left eye.

“So. What are we going to do?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” he said. “I told one of my teachers like you suggested and that just made it worse. They started calling me a narc.”